Wednesday, November 29

Everything is illuminated

Visual: this weekends shopping trip

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swarovski crystal christmas tree

Audio: overheard in a subway filled with people

middle-aged woman holding a balloon animal:
yeah well you just look like a crazy guy in a subway! like Clint Eastwood said in the movie California where I'm from .. you're just someone I'm walking away from!!!

man on a date that clearly went wrong:
ya well keep walkin'!!

I wonder why, in socially awkward situations like that, my first reaction is that if I remain completely still that I somehow become invisible. No motion whatsoever = I'm not a part of this. lol. Man, you know you're going home to a house full of cats and a lean cuisine dinner for 1 when you end dates by screaming in a subway and quoting movies nobody's seen.

Speaking of quotes.

Wes.. says:
is it wrong if i like the song maneater?

Sunday, November 26

Would you like a massage?

I don't usually make Christmas lists but Archie McPhee is having a contest where apparently you can win yours just by submitting it. Sounds like a great deal! My entire wishlist is basically everything The Cubes, expansion sets including but not limited to:

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the Copy Room.. where all the copying happens
AND the secret office sex, if any (yeah there's going to be some)

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the Cubes Corporate Protester... he makes his own hummus, and sandals!

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the Cubes Sensitivity Trainer... who heard about what we use the copy room for, apparently

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and glow in the dark Corporate Zombies! GRAHHHHH

The only thing not The Cubes that I want are some cards for my dad, some weird gift wrapping paper, and this:

Albino Bowler Action Figure

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The doors swing wide open and he stands in the doorway - a pale figure with stark white hair and a bowling bag. It's Dick, the Albino Bowler, and he's come to bowl. If you're lucky enough to be at one of the small town bowling alleys he chooses to visit, you're in for a treat. Soon everyone in the alley will be gathered around his lane to witness his extraordinary display of bowling virtuosity and his thick white sideburns.

I don't need any of this stuff and isn't that what Christmas is really about? Like deep down? Oh, right, no it's not. Okay this is why I don't make wishlists!

Thursday, November 23

Tuesday, November 21

It's a big day for me

Today I am 9,001 days old.

Someone somewhere I'm sure is having a party for me. They might not know the party is for me, but it is. In case you wanted to know how I know that (because I obviously didn't do the math, let's be honest) you can go to the Birthday Calculator.

I think it's fantastic that both Al Gore and Christopher Walken share my birthday. I'm not sure why but I just do.

"There are 130 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 25 candles."

Dear Birthday,

Twenty-Five, for some reason, I don't mind. I suppose when we have this discussion at 45, my tune will likely change... and I might not like you. That is, if scientists don't declare our bodies inferior first and I transfer myself to pure energy and you have to literally have this discussion on the internet. Because that's where I'll live. FOREVER. Yes 20 years = 200 years to me. That's how little concept I have of a time where I'll actually even start to consider myself old. Until then I am looking forward to you, birthday. I still like you plenty.

Love, Ann.

While I'm writing letters...

Dear Gingerbread Latte from Second Cup,

You taste like Christmas. Especially with a strawberry jam shortbread cookie. I wish I could have you everyday, but I'd be too jacked up and all my Christmas presents would look like a two elephants wrapped them. I'm already pretty bad at wrapping. I'm up to a 2nd grade level right now.

Love, Ann.

Dear B Vitamins,

You make my pee glow in the dark. I think that's weird.

Regards, Ann.

Thursday, November 16

Magic.. it's everywhere!!

I found this on YouTube, apparently she's now YouFamous for making all these whacked out videos but I didn't know that at the time. I thought this was fucking hilarious, the rest of it.. slightly entertaining but trust me you'll find yourself laughing mostly at the fact that you are sitting there at your computer actually watching it. I mean, I did.

If I was 13 now and had much better video editing skills (read: any skills) I would definitely be making films like this with my friends... and have my own YouChannel. I'm sad that I can't find the few videos we did make, and at the same time relieved. Gosh do I feel old... why am I not doing crap like this? It's so utterly ridiculous it's awesome, and you know how much I like that. On that note, a funny story that is 100% true. My cousin Vince is a math teacher and he was telling us about what "new" kinds of things the kids are saying these days. Yanno, what's going down on the streets. Apparently the new slang is to tell someone that they are "extra" or "arms". Yeah arms. As in "sir, you're so arms" ... hahaha, I thought he was kidding too like what does that even mean? Could be anything!

"Hey buddy, that's so LEGS man... you even realize how arms and legs that is?? Everyone, check this guy out... he's garbage can pizza slice!!!"
- "Whoa are you gonna take that??"

What's a matter with kids these days, you can't even come up with good slang. Just start naming random shit you see on the street, types of gum, diseases.. whatever!

"God, Alex, you couldn't get more AIDS if you tried!"
- "Shut up, trident mint whitening!"

I could go on all day. Literally. lol. Nobody is allowed to start saying garbage can pizza slice by the way. I OWN garbage can pizza slice. It's only cool when I say it.

Tuesday, November 14

It's (hung) over

My cousin Maria is officially married, dum dum dummm. lol jk. The wedding was absolutely amazing! All I have to say is she had a flambe show AND fireworks... not a lot of people can top that.

The wedding ceremony went well and the reception afterwars, but the photoshoot honestly felt like an episode of Punk'd. If I was famous for anything I would have honestly thought that's what was going on. The photographer was so crazy, he kept telling us to do all these weird things for the video. Like he had the guys do a mafia bit at the house, and Al shoots a guy for washing his car with rocks. Then at the greenhouse all of a sudden he's like "Ok all the girls start singing 'all you need is love' and then crouch down and the guys JUMP UP behind them and pretend to be trumpets!" Like what? None of us even knew the words, and we didn't get a practice run... so it kind of trailed off after like 8 seconds. The whole thing was basically just more things like that. At one point I just burst out laughing while he was still talking. Next I thought he was going to ask us "Ok so now I want you to all jump into the water and act like Alligators with your arms and say 'we love Maria and Al.... purple monkey dishwasher!'"

One of the groomsmen put it best when he said: "I think we died in the limo and this is hell" Hahaha. All I have to say is I really cannot wait to see that video, because if somehow it all makes sense I will be shocked.

The rest of the night (aka reception) was hilarious, I even got to be Vanna White when I brought out the prize for the Newlywed Game that was going on. Honestly I 'celebrated' way too much wine, so really I don't remember a lot of it in vivid detail... basically I just had a lot of fun and the food was great. There was one of those chocolate fountains. So good. Sean won the huge crystal champagne candle centerpiece which looks so great, I would have been so upset if I didn't have it. Plus it was pretty hilarious when we saw Al's grandfather had also won one and walking out with it Sean pointed out how much it looked like a Pimp Chalice. It really does... he was like 90 years old by the way.

At one point I was talking to my cousin from Florida who I have not seen in 11 years (or more) and guess what I decided to talk about? Cats and dogs. Cats and fucking dogs is the best thing I could think of. Seriously.. sometimes I really am an idiot when I drink, and no one should talk to me. lol. It's like there's a tiny part of my brain totally unaffected way in the back of my head going "you're talking about dogs Ann-Marie.. are you an idiot? because everyone thinks you're an idiot" and yet there's nothing I can do about it. Just to put the last nail in this coffin, I'll tell you how the night ended. As we're about to leave I'm told I somehow got my hands on a cup of beer in the short distance from the hall to the door. Sean asks me where the hell I got that and I say "this beer is great" (or something) and "do you think I can take this in the car with me?" he says no, that probably isn't a great idea so I leave it there.. pass out in the car, spill a bunch of liquid Tylenol everywhere, and puke 2 times before we go to bed. Apparently once wasn't enough. Must have been that fucking beer. I hate beer, by the way.

Seriously I have not actually gotten sick from drinking too much in an extremely long time. I'd say over a year at least. Next time I'm going to slow down a little more, but just a little. Watch out New Years Eve, I'm looking in your direction ;)

Friday, November 10

AnnSpace - A place where I don't like anything, at all

You know myspace has reached it's height in popularity when there are other sites based off of it. I ran into my death space and found it completely fascinating in the most whole-heartedly creepy way. All it is is a list of members who have recently died. It tells you how they died, links you to their page, and then you get to read their profile and friends comments and shit. Before I knew it an hour and a half had passed by and I was sitting at my computer, convinced everyone I knew was going to die.

I'm not sure of the commentary on society here that there are tributes to a person's online profile, but the implications are not totally lost on me... I just am too creeped out to tell you what that is because I don't want to really think about it. I don't want to know you set yourself on fire, I don't want to leave you sparkly comments, I don't want to see your slutty pics on your way to a party, or see your headline is "playas only love you when they playin'" or hear your profile song is "The Offficial Stripper" by T Pain. Just jesus christ, everyone, delete your myspace's right away... and die like normal people please.

I don't want to personally identify anyone I know with being dead. Is that so wrong?

And I don't even know what to say about THIS

Members include "Hoopz" from the reality-tv show Flavor of Love. I was so conflicted with just the original, I didn't feel like I really belonged. When I saw this all I could think was "Oh thank god, finally, a place for me." What's next.. mywhitespace? a place for Aryan friends. anorexicspace? a place for starving yourself to death. seemypoospace? a place for poo.

Come on this is so fucking ridiculous. If I met Tom, I would definitely knee him in the junk for making me write this post.

Monday, November 6

Maria Peckeroni

The bachelorette party was seriously the most fun night I've had in practically a million years. I think everyone pretty much feels the same way, especially Maria, which was the whole point of course!

I can't say enough about how completely awesome the night was, so, I might as well just show you (some) of the pictures.

Man, I wish we thought to actually bring the Bachelorette Barf Bag. We needed it. I also feel the need to mention I am not responsible for my dancing, just fyi, because I was having too much fun to care. Clearly. The only scandalous thing of the whole night were basically the penis straws. And maybe some of the gifts. Even if there was, I definitely wouldn't be writing about it on the site. Some sort of "last night of freedom" rule and all. What happens there, well, you know the rest ;)

Thursday, November 2

I'm bringing 90s back

I was at my grandma's house the other day and apparently she cleaned out the ominous space behind the stairs with all my kid crap stuffed in it. I had no idea how much crap that was... so I'm impressed my grandparents could even physically do it by themselves. I think my grandma got a kick out of it so I'm going through it with her and I nearly DIE laughing. My Jem sticker book!!! haha. I swear, sticker books was the most lucrative thing ever created by toy industries. Kids just buying up all the stickers that the book told them to buy, after their parents already bought them the damn toys to begin with. Genius! "Why don't you just go play with your toys?" "I will, but Jem tells me I need two more packs of stickers" "Why?" "because I'm missing them in the book! see!" All I remember was carrying a suitcase full of crap like that around, so you can imagine how much my parents spent.

Anyways I just had to take a couple items that I didn't want to be in the garage sale.

Oh Jonathan Brandis fan club cut out card. I liked you so much better when you were in Tiger Beat then, yanno, when you killed yourself. In the pic he looks like he just got done with a 2 hour long sweaty work out of being depressed. Man that's hard work... so HOT.

Yeah that's right, I had neon pink DAYS OF THUNDER sunglasses. I got them at Harvey's. Obviously you agree I could not be any COOLER. I should start wearing this all the time and see what happens. My best guess is that when I have them on "Highway to the Danger Zone" plays constantly, but only I can hear it. Why? Because "You can't stop the thunder."

I'm bringing 90s back! The least popular decade, my ass.
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