Wednesday, December 27

I elfed myself

In case you ever wanted to see me do a ridiculous dance without using any imagination or being around whilst I drink... in costume. Damn that sounds like fun. I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Saturday, December 23

Last party of 2006

Last night my cousins came over for one last party of the year, and before me, the man, and the little man move to our new house in Oakville. As the night and drinking went on OF COURSE we NEEDED to re-enact the 'dick in a box' video, pictured below for your consideration. Here's a little musical dialog that captures the whole night pretty nicely.

Antonella: christmas...
Ann: dick in a box!!
Antonella: hanukkah...
Ann: dick in a box!!
Antonella: pakistan...
Ann: what?
Antonella: islam?
Alisia: isn't it Quizno's?
Ann: no, kwanzaa!! .... dick in a box

I like how after I make the correction, I have to finish my part of "dick in a box" haha. I need closure on this anecdote! Literally we had so much fun that I just can't wait for New Years when we get to do it all again, but dressier! No really, I can't wait. I'm sleeping through Christmas and when I wake up it better be New Years eve... just place my presents around me.

Sunday, December 17

Is that baby body glitter?

Disclaimer: this post is in no way intended to be racist or making fun of asian's putting on make-up

This is hands down THE BEST Christmas shopping story ever, and it doesn't even have anything to do with talking a gun-toting Santa down from the roof a mall. So we're shopping, yadda yadda, completely zoned out like the rest of the xmas zombies and trying to find a DVD to watch that night ...when the flow of traffic is stopped due to multiple baby-stroller jam. About 3 separate mothers are trying to intersect eachother in one tiny walking lane, in Walmart of all places, so just picture that. We stand there patiently while they sort out who goes where... then the way is cleared and we continue walking down the isle. About 5 seconds later both Sean and I stop, turn to eachother with a weird look on our faces, and go "was that... was.. that baby's ...eyebrows drawn on?" confirming that yes, we both saw it, and yes someones mother had actually DRAWN ON (with black eyeliner) skinny MAD LOOKING LATINA eyebrows, not to mention "cat eye" lined the actual eyes. OF A BABY! ...who looked, at most, 5 months old. Although with all that make-up I could have sworn she was the tiniest 15-year old I've ever seen. There was no mistaking it, that baby had make-up on... and that is both the most hilarious and saddest thing I have ever seen! Clearly, the only thing sadder is that I do not have a picture of it.

Re-enactment photo.

This is, with no exaggeration whatsoever, exactly what that baby looked like (as she was also asian) except she was wearing a pink bear-like hat.

I feel so sorry for this poor baby that I used in my example.. how could you, in all seriousness, do this to your child??? haha. Did she wake up that day and say to herself "You know what, that's it, I am SO SICK of my baby's lack of eyebrows! She is a total failure in hair growing of the facial area! I see how all the other babies make fun of my baby, and I can see their mothers whispering 'zero-brow' to eachother when we stroll by. At this rate I don't know how she will even stand a chance of getting into a decent college! I am going to draw some on, like a drag queen... but angrier and while I have my eyeliner out here I'll just dress up the eyes up a little bit as to make her cuter, and more popular with boy babies"

Haha oh God, I know what I want for Christmas!!

Dear Jesus,
Please send me that child's picture with Santa. I'll also accept a family portrait, where hopefully everybody has eyebrows like this... even the men.


Saturday, December 16

Yum-O M G I'm annoying

This past week I've been cooking Rachael Ray 30-Minute Meals. 30 Minutes my ass, ok? It's more like an hour to an hour and a half. They're pretty delicious though. She may be the most annoying woman on television but at least it's real food and not foo-foo salad dinners. Sean's been loving it, and it beats the hell out of being crushed to death by my collection of frozen food boxes.

Ex. A.

This was my actual attempt to throw away all the boxes when Brooke was visiting me, them falling down the stairs, and her telling me I need a picture of it. It truly is a a testament to impatience and overall laziness. Yay for real food, but seriously, don't you just want to punch her in the mouth?

sean says:
im a bad husband

ann---marie says:
pretty much terrible, yes
you're not allowed to use dishes until you learn to appreciate them
until then, you eat dinner in your hands
possibly a garbage bag

sean says:

Monday, December 11

Monday is the new Saturday

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Christmas shopping is here. Actually, it was a few weeks ago and like usual I have not done any yet and I'll end up buying everything in one long horrifying mall-packed day. So I should have more accurately said.. Christmas shopping is here, has been waiting for me for 2 weeks, and is unbelievably pissed off. I've already been checking out the mall situation and it's BAD... Hasselhoff BAD. Especially if you get anywhere close to a Walmart and their animated singing Santa's and $4.99 bedsheets. It's a virtual breeding ground for senile agitation.

That reminds me.

So my grandma came over yesterday morning and basically brought Christmas with her. I didn't have a tree yet, etc. of course, so she just happened to have one in the car. And a poinsettia plant. Oh and the tree is fiber optic, so I'm already more Christmalogically advanced than about 98% of the population. Really my grandma is sweet, but she kept cleaning my fridge which couldn't be more annoying. She has arthritis in her wrist and high blood pressure for Gods sake... I'm going to literally kill my grandma with my messiness. Or learn to keep everything lick-able clean. Haha, ya that's not going to happen soooo my grandma is going to die.

Uh, on a lighter note, Lego StarWars is so cool. Why is it the G rated games are always the most fun/addictive? I don't care, the fact that you can make the green monster poo lego cubes.. for absolutely no reason.. is just about the best thing anyone has ever thought of. However, I don't think kids should play. They need to read more books or ..something. Threaten to stab them if they don't play their v-smile. I have my reasons...

"H.. it starts with the letter Pear."

- kid in grocery store, looking at a can of tomato sauce

Thursday, December 7

Q: Are my grillz safe for children?

Come Christmas morning, wouldn't you love to unwrap this fine piece of jewelry? And by unwrap, I mean, take out of the brown bag it shares with a pack of Virginia Slims and half-eaten smoked ham? Just look at the craftsmanship. It's as if the diamonds were actually smiling for you! Oh and incidentally, they ARE safe for children over 12. Crunk for the whole family!

Heard from my livingroom last night "Dude, why won't any lickatoads come to our fucking garden?!" & "Costalot is such a cunt" Last night Brooke and I stayed up all night playing Viva Pinata! that Sean got me.

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Best prezzie ever. It is ridiculously addicting so, in a month or so you might hear there was a pinata intervention. Until then VIVA!!

Sunday, December 3

All around me are familiar faces

Last night Andrea came over, we got some Thai food and went to see Borat. Holy fucking shit. He went so far in that movie that he actually ass raped "too far" and burned his house and his mother. They were all in flames, ok? Some of it was funny but most of it (and I'm talking 85%) was too extreme to even laugh at because it hasn't even registered yet. Then there's that 5% of the movie (aka the nude fight scene) that offended me visually more than if they literally taped a live execution and took a nice long piss all over the corpse. Anyone who's seen the movie can back me up on this.

Anyways, I had so much fun hanging out with Andrea. I almost pissed myself when the Gears of War ad came on. Mad World is apparently a new inside joke, ever since some nerd on xbox live started singing it over his headset (waiting to play the actual game) and then Andrea confessed it's on her myspace page. lol. We also almost drove off the road like twice laughing when we were doing skits from the best of Will Ferrell and then when we see a big group of Santa's running around on the street. Literally I think there were about 25-30 Santa's. This was the best picture I could get from the car.

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I'm pretty sure they were robbing that bank because there's no other explanation I can think of. Literally none.

Tonight I'm finishing off the last of the Tastykakes that Kevin sent me. I am officially sad that they do not sell these here because they're all sorts of delicious.

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"that's not her mom, that's her social worker!"
- Andrea, about 2 people in a car

"I've got a fever and the only cure is more balls"
- me
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