Tuesday, February 27

wuz ^ ?

I found this at FOUND Magazine, here. Which is a completely hilarious site full of trash. Just the way I like it ;)

I'm not sure if I should go out with you? Real smooth. Who knows how many times he wrote and erased that last sentence and that's the best one he came up with??? Haha. 10$ says he is gay, am I right ladies?

I bet that weekend they totally went to the movies and didn't hold hands, but thought about it a lot and their hands accidentally touched when she went to re-apply her tween SuperShine lipgloss and he puked all over her. FOR REALS. Narrating the rest of the story in my head is so much fun sometimes that I rather not even know the actual ending. Do you?

Check out FOUND Magazine and you can do it all day long!

Check yes or no if you like my website [yes] [no]

Your Homegrrl,

Sunday, February 25

And the winner is...

In honor of the Oscars on tonight I'd like to give out one award, via internets:

Justin's Party last night wins for Bloodiest Party of the Year!
Where two people bled all over the place on two completely separate and disgusting occasions!

I'm so happy I can finally cross "watch guy who totally deserved it get hit in the face and blood pour out of his nose" off my life's to-do list. It was kind of at the bottom of the list though... so it's not that great or anything. Not like "actually punch some guy who totally deserves it in the face" which is pretty much in my top five.

And to anyone who watched the pre-show interview crap just now, I had no idea that an 8 foot tall gay man could stand out 80% more if he drapes himself in purple. Amazing.

Thursday, February 22

No! No! She's chasing me!

I think Britney Spears is the monster that chases me in most of my nightmares. I'm pretty sure.

Literally if I saw her walking down the street I would run and never stop until someone asked me for my passport.

Where is this girl, from my secret and weird lesbian situation dreams? Did she ever really exist?

Sunday, February 18

You've been waiting to break since you woke up this morning

"How dare you come in here! This is my masturbatorium!"

Running with Scissors is, by far, my favourite movie.... since I can remember having a favourite movie? Absolutely hilarious. In fact, the main characters mother reminded me so much of my own mother I couldn't tell if it was funny or not... but very entertaining!! Very. Rent it, would you. And thank me.

I also want that soundtrack terribly bad. More than a gay boyfriend or a dead cat.

You just have to see it to know what I'm talking about.

Friday, February 16

What time is it?

I realized that I actually just want this for my birthday. Medium. I would wear it constantly, and exclaim it to others anytime I'm asked what time it is. My life would finally be complete!

Instead of pics of my car burred in the death snow, which are locked away on my camera, I'll show you what my baby got me for valentines... because I'm apparently wonderful :)

No, not new boobs, it's a diamond Forever necklace and it's so pretty. I refuse to call it "bling" though because that's a word reserved for hookers and guys with metal in their mouths.

I got him some...

It's made with real bits of Panther.. so you know it's good.

Hopefully if we go to dinner tomorrow night we will wear both. If I don't update for a while you can assume I'm devastated because Sean was probably sexually assaulted by Panthers, and killed.

What a way to go though, right? Much cooler than getting hit in the face with a tire.

Tuesday, February 13

Lovestorm 2007 (level 8 kill factor)

I never thought I'd ever say this, but it looks like I'll be snowed in with my valentine tomorrow! Yay! Tonight I will try and brave the storm to stock up on the essentials. Wine.

Haha just kidding, what I meant was pizza and chocolate!

Sunday, February 11

Has anyone noticed?

If Quagmire and the Java Man were one person, that person would be Howard K. Stern.

I couldn't help but notice with all this Anna Nicole coverage, and actually the more I think about it I expect Howard K. Sterns personality to pretty much be exactly like a jacked-up pervert. Like exactly. He probably gives himself 1st degree burns every time he masturbates.

Oh ya. I went there.

Saturday, February 10

Dear Everyone

As you should know, I am turning the HUGE UNBELIEVABLY GIGANTIC ANCIENT AND HORRIFYING age of 25 soon. Soon as in 45 days, soon. I realize that I said I was totally fine with that, and in the grand scheme of things that I feel that I have experienced a lot of life in that time... but apparently I am a fucking liar now and it's all because of the following experience today in the car.

While driving past a party packagers store Sean mentioned how we should go in. I say, what for? He says oh duh it's your birthday soon and we should get me some party stuff. I laugh and say "ah naaah that's ok, it's not that big of a deal.. I mean I guess, but it's only 25" And he proceeds to casually mention how after 25 you stop your growing and then basically begin your slow decent into the inescapable hands of DEATH. I'm not joking he really said that. To ME. So I reply, ok let's have a huge party because I want everyone to celebrate how I'm dying. Oh man won't that be so fun? We could all just sit and watch me rapidly age right before your eyes, and later I could put out my birthday candles with my tears! and when I tell everyone that my wish was to NOT die we will all have a really good laugh, and I'll get told I have a great sense of humor for someone in my condition.

So anyway, I did a little research and discovered nobody has invented the Time Machine yet, so I made a little wishlist from a really cute store that was a hell of a lot more fun before I started thinking about my birthday.. ironically. My fave is the bedroom set, so cute. Also I've been told it's horribly difficult to actually order anything for me off of there so don't worry about it but thanks for the thought if you were ;)


Neurotically yours,

Tuesday, February 6

Turning Twenty-Four times Two

Bday Girl 1, Maria
Bday Girl 2, Ann-Marie

"You guys realize you're related, right?"
Oh trust us, we know. And yeah that's a banana hanging out of my shirt, and walnuts in Maria's bra. We take drunk photoshoots seriously. Props!


The last thing I remember from the bar...

Immediately after closing time we ran up to BK to see the King, I got an extra fry for Maria by simply telling them they forgot I ordered two. Went back to my cousins' place and laughed our asses off for about 2 more hours about bacon. It was translucent. You had to be there... all in all, awesome night, other than Maria's wedding I've never been drunker. Huzzah!!
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