Tuesday, January 30
dont feel bad, i think i have an eye problem
what is going on
here i'll show you
Successfully sent Photo 4.jpg
ummmm i think u should get some one to look at that
do you think there's something wrong?
for the love of god yes!!!
ya i just woke up today and it was oozing.
omg!!!!!!!! I THINK UR GOING BLIND
it just fell out.. should i go to the hospital?
hold on im going to put this in a baggie
ummmm baggie AND HOSPITAL
i knew i shouldn't have filled my glaucoma prescription from the back of a van
Sunday, January 28
Today was a really good start, we did all back muscle weight machines and she was great at showing me exactly how to do things the right way. It was very informative and Andrea said I was her best student! lol. That is probably because I don't enjoy doing things the wrong or easy way, and basically wasting my own time. I am a big fan of my own time. After that we went to get My Thai and chatted about how I'm going to organize an intervention if she orders the Mango Chicken one more time. She seriously eats it at least 3 times a week.. it's a sickness! She even told it "I love you, mango chicken" before she ate it... and I am NOT kidding.
New things in my life:
Sean got me a replacement for my broken camera and it kicks so much ass. He's so the best that I will forget that he broke my camera to begin with. lol. This one is titanium so I don't think I will have another issue with dropping it, etc. Which really makes me wonder, why aren't more things made of titanium? Also, is baby corn really corn? It seems like it was mislabeled and might be another vegetable altogether that just looks like mini corn.
I was already wondering that from earlier though.
Also this entry is the first from my new Macbook Pro. It is pretty damn cool, too. My other mac did not break but I was looking for an upgrade for a while and although I now seem incredibly spoiled, it just happen to be on the same day as my camera. And it's not even my birthday yet! So save up, bitches. I'm kidding, all I really need is like, a boat. So if everyone wants to go in on getting me a boat I will totally give you all rides. You know, whenever I have time. I am going to stop now before anyone thinks I'm being even 1% serious.
I still really want that massage chair... why must you be 5 THOUSAND dollars??
i've been listening to gangsta rap all afternoon
i might forget how normal people talk to women
i think if you took out all the times Dr Dre tells some bitch to eat a dick, he'd have one song left, and it would be about drinking hennessey
Monday, January 22
Endorsed by the American Chiropractic Association
Panasonic massage loungers are the first chairs to be approved by the American Chiropractic Association (ACA), the largest professional association in the world representing doctors of chiropractic. In fact, this distinction represents the first massage chair endorsement given by the ACA. Recognizing the many health benefits of regular massage, the ACA found that Panasonic massage chairs provide outstanding deep-tissue relief, which can temporarily relax tense muscles, offering an ideal complement to chiropractic manipulation.
Body Scan Technology for a Personalized Massage
The RealPro Elite™ Massage Lounger uses Body Scan technology to deliver a massage that's personalized for your body. You'll also get 185 square inches of back massage, 25% more than our previous massage lounger with Body Scan technology. When you sit down, pressure sensors on the massage heads scan your back for 20 seconds and then locate the tops of your shoulders. The massage is then contoured to your spine's curvature for a tight and proper massage.
Full Body Air Massage System
A total of 33 air bags (that's 614 square inches of air massage!) work together, pressing and squeezing tired muscles, to relax multiple parts of the lower body. As they simultaneously inflate and deflate in varying patterns and speeds, the tension in your seat, hips, thighs, calves, shins and feet miraculously dissipates:
Soothing squeezing for relaxation of muscles and increased circulation
Applies pressure to the muscles in the thighs, which relieves tightness and tension while increasing blood circulation.
Kneading and loosening of the calf muscles and shins.
Upward pressure is applied for the ultimate relief.
The RealPro Elite™ Massage Lounger has four 14-minute and one 5-minute pre-programmed massages varying in intensity.
- Shiatsu - Firm style of massage that includes squeezing and finger pressure.
- Deep - Slow kneading will relax tight muscles.
- Swedish - A softer massage for a tired body.
- Stretch - General program that uses a variety of massage movements.
- Quick - Incorporates most of the massage techniques in a wonderful 5-minute massage.
3 Personal Memory--18 programs including Self-Program
Six programs (Four 14-minute Pre-Programs, One 5-minute Quick Program and One 14-minute Self Program) can be personalized and saved for three people.
Easy-to-use Remote with Voice Guide & LED Screen
The remote on the Panasonic RealPro Elite™ Massage Lounger allows for a complete personalized massage at the touch of a button. And our helpful voice guide takes you through your massage experience every step of the way.
We were shopping yesterday and I sat in this chair.. and now it's all I can think about. It's more than a chair.. it's almost alive! I NEED IT. Especially after the past two days, really stressful to have a big party at your house... but especially when you leave your own party full of people to pick up the food you ordered and they tell you that they never even heard of your order! Mild heart attacks are so good for you. I'd post some pictures of the party right now but lucky me, my camera got dropped and broken. lol. Other than that I had a lot of fun, especially at the no-kids party later. The only thing better than sitting in that chair would be sitting in it while eating Andrea's spinach dip.
It was like the Swedish massage chair of dips.
Tuesday, January 16
What would normally happen?
Walk in, look confused for about a minute, get the attention of a employee standing nearby.
Customer - hi excuse me, can you tell me about what's new?
Employee - yes this and this just came out this week.
Customer - oh, well I don't know what to rent.. what would you recommend?
Employee - personally I thought so and so was a great film, and also this other movie. both are really worth renting.
Customer - thanks!
What Actually Happened?
Walk in, greeted at the door by an employee who likes to talk 30 inches from my face.
Movie Boy - HI canihelpyou?
Customer - uhh.. hah no, I will just look around thanks
Movie Boy - are you sure you don't need any help?
Customer - well I just walked in, I don't know I haven't looked at any movies yet.. are there any really good new releases?
Movie Boy - Well this and that came out.. they look SCARY! Do you like those kinds of movies?
Customer - well that depends, are they any good?
Movie Boy - I have no idea
Customer - I see.. *feels like she's in a scary movie*
Movie Boy - *silent, yet still following customer*
Customer - ok well I think I'll just keep looking thanks
Movie Boy - make sure you come find me if you need any help!
Situation #2: Picking up a tub of butter in the dairy isle
What would normally happen?
Just pick up the butter and put it in the cart.
What Actually Happened?
55 year old Stock Boy - *interrupts customer talking* can I help you??
Customer - uhhhh *looks around* no... just getting some butter here....
55 year old Stock Boy - did you know it was the kind with olive oil in it???
Customer - ......yes
55 year old Stock Boy - ok just making sure that's what you wanted
Customer - it... is, thanks
Ya. Yet you go to an emergency room and nobody even notices you're there for 3 hours.
2 parents who think anyone allergic to peanuts should die + 1 kid who has a peanut allergy = actual proof the universe has an ironic justice department.
Tuesday, January 9
i'm trying to make a movie with the iMovie thing
oh yeah? how's it going?
my extras never show up
and the star wants $14 an hour
wait you're making an actual movie?
omg it's a porno isn't it
what kind of porn star would ask for 14$ an hour
a single mom with a FUPA and 5 kids
i'm going to regret asking what a FUPA is
lol google it
Sunday, January 7
Mr. HANDS!!?? THE CASE OF Mr. Hands!!!?
Ok so the housewarming party last night could have involved more people but still managed to be way too much fun. I love playing Scene It!! Mostly because when it comes to pop culture I kick so much ass that my doctor advised me to use a prosthetic foot from now on to prevent injury to myself.
Incidentally the more I drank the more my awesome game skillz became total crap... and my awesome new skillz to swear constantly was heightened!
Definitely need to do that again :)
Thursday, January 4
I got them all but I need to resize them or else you'll just be looking at a bunch of really drunk giant eyeballs.
RE: Worst Waitress Ever
So Rob basically had it, this chick was so shitty at her job it wasn't even funny. She got every order wrong, then yelled at Alisia for wanting to take 2 drinks off her bill saying "I can't be doing that all night!!!" I asked to start a tab for 3 people and give her my credit card... she puts everyone's drinks on my bill, forcing me to do drunk math. I HATE DRUNK MATH!!! She spills a martini into a car bomb and goes, oops! Then she brings us 3 of the 4 cosmopolitans we ordered and tries to convince us it's really 4 drinks but in 3 glasses... to the top. All of that happens the two lucky times we do manage to find her and have her take our order, which is why we asked for 4 drinks because hey what do you know, she's not around 30 mins to the count down! Or 15, or 10, or at all. The bill comes and I put 110$ on the table because she was so shitty (it was 106$) and Sean takes it off and gives her exactly 106$ because she was so shitty. We all agree, no tip for her. Brooke hands her the money and she immediately goes "WHAT, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME A TIP AT ALL??" and has this indignant face like I just took a shit on her mother's grave. I say "I just want my card back, thanks" and she is still in complete SHOCK and keeps whining so Brooke says "yeah we just have to go to the bank machine" and she walks away like "oh you better!" so I walk over to the rest of the group and tell them all not to tip her, if they were going to and we put our coats on a head for the door. I stop for LITERALLY 1 minute to talk to this girl at the door and the waitress sees us and RUNS towards us yelling "ARE YOU LEAVING??!! OH MY GOD, YOU'RE LEAVING WITHOUT GIVING ME A TIP ON A 100$ BILL?" We walk out, and honestly I thought Sean was behind me... in which case he is basically going to make sure she regrets being born (or, ever coming out of the lifelong coma to come work at this bar) and I walk behind Brooke who is telling her that maybe she should have got our orders right. Apparently Sean was already on the street waiting for us so he had no idea and our hotel is literally 5 feet away so we just go in... as she's still screaming INTO THE NIGHT about how awesome we are, and thanks for the tip and blah blah blah. We pretty much end up talking about what a cunt she is until the rest of the group gets to our hotel room and tells us how the waitress went back inside and complained to THEM that we didn't tip her. Honestly I have never seen anything like it in my life.. she acted exactly like we didn't pay our bill or something and dashed on her. I mean exactly. I am calling Madison Ave. this week and complaining about her, and explaining that this is why 13 people who attended last year and this year will not be coming back next year.
RE: Snakes on a Plane
I just finished watching this and while it's not the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen, it's still fucking stupid... and had me asking myself a lot of questions. There were a few times where I had to laugh though and wonder about just who the fuck wrote this and how much money did they make? Were they held at gunpoint? Like the pilot makes a wonderful analogy that "the plane will drop faster than a Taiwanese whore". Now all I can think of is... first, why a Taiwanese whore specifically? and second, how fast do they drop? Like you walk into the whore house in Taiwan and they, like snakes, lunge and "strike" at your crotch and stick on? I take no responsibility for that ridiculous mental image since all the snakes on the plane managed to bite people in the weirdest fucking places. i.e. Boobs, a couple of crotches, eye socket, mouth... and one guy who died from a chick putting her high heel into his head. That has nothing to do with it but .. just how fast was she walking? Then there was the line "apparently he's some kind of hardcore snake guy!" and I had to ask myself, if you're into snakes then who ISN'T a hardcore snake guy? Are there just some average casual snake enthusiasts? They could take them or leave them. Or is he so HARD CORE XXXXX about it, as in actually crazy? In which case his character should have sounded more like this...
Holy moly! a plane full of motherfreaking snakes!
*unbuttons his shirt really fast*
*pokes the lenses out of his glasses and snaps it in half*
See because anyone who cares about snakes, even HARD CORE XXXXX, is still as geeky as they come. Like the hulk, only he lives with his mother and wears pajamas with bum flap buttons to bed... and says HOLY MOLY. And these are really things I think about....
Monday, January 1
Pics & actual update coming in the next few days, including the story of being literally chased out of the bar by the worst waitress in history! Even worse than Hitler's personal "killing" waitress, and that waitress that served nothing but rat poison to children. Yep, children used to frequent the ye olde pubs. I know since I basically wrote history (as I saw fit to be interesting to me).
I hope everyone had a good one! :)