Monday, February 25

My Open Letter to people who sell furniture on Craigslist

Dear So-and-So,

I see that you are selling your furniture on this popular website here. First of all I'd like to say thanks for not posting in the personals section and therefore not being a total weirdo.  Maybe.  I am someone who has a bit of experience selling/buying on Craigslist, but more than that I have tons of experience just checking out ads.  I'm a curious girl, I am.  So anyway I'd really like to help you out with selling your furniture so here is a little list of things I think you should know.

  1. Don't bother selling your "mint" 1984 Bedroom Set... just throw it away, post it in the free section or give away brownies to the next person who owns a van and can pick it up.  
  2. If it's a particularly stunning set then go crazy and ask for $100.  I do not know what land you bought your laminate, mostly mirrored, painted to "look like marble" set but my guess is the store vanished into a cloud of smoke the minute you walked out with this furniture.  
  3. People generally like dark wood, so if yours isn't why don't you invest in refinishing it or adjust the price.  That goes the same for designer chairs, couches, etc.  You're on Craigslist now you fancy ass!  Way to be a moron and pay $1300 for a chair, I bet you won't make that mistake again.
  4. In the future everyone, please, stop buying things that are all mirrored.   I don't care how cool you are, or hot you are, you never need to see yourself everywhere you turn.  Do you really enjoy fingerprints everywhere?  I don't need my bedroom looking like a future crime scene.
  5. Always tell the buyer the exact condition before they come to pick this up.  People don't really like surprises like a giant scratch or dent somewhere.   I mean, I do, but most people don't!  And since it's for furniture you really waste their time; they probably borrowed someone's van or truck for this... they think about that when low-balling you after seeing the damage, trust me.
  6. For buyers, this is furniture, not tickets to see Jimmy Buffet... don't offer barter items like food stamps, a rusty truck with a billion miles on it, or coupons for KFC.  You'd think it'd sweeten the deal but all it really does is make people want to throw their stuff in the streets rather than sell it to you.
  7. If you want someone to deliver furniture be prepared to get laughed at, hung up on, or pay them a lot of money.  When you buy things I'd prepare myself to go to that location as I would if I went to an actual store.  Only a store charges me full prices on everything!  Can you believe it?
  8. Lastly, using the words Antique or Vintage we all think just means old.  Sell those things at flea markets, or at the very least don't try and add value to that... unless your house is a museum I am not paying extra for something "enjoyed" for many generations.  If I had something Antique like that I'd call myself Indianna Jones and leave it all to obscure family members in my will.

With Love and Frustration,

That last idea sounds pretty sweet.. I think more people should leave things to their loved ones in some sort of dangerous treasure hunt.  Dangerous as in it's a stupid idea, but not so much as they'd actually die trying to get my dining room furniture.   More like its hidden in a cave full of smelly moss and crabs, or hidden somewhere that finding it has something to do with the tides.  Wait, I've said too much....

It's also good to know nobody who reads this journal watches Lost.  Great information to have.  You'd think that would stop me from posting about it wouldn't you... but you'd be wrong!  

1 Comment:

Jess said...

I'm working my way through Lost slowly but surely. I'm halfway through season two, and I just about had an aneurysm when I accidentally read some of the Lost bit of your last entry. Luckily, all I caught was something about an Oceanic 6 and Kate and Sayid.
Also, if you're interested, I came across your site years back after googling "I hate men."

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