Thursday, May 15

Valuable Information

I wish the rest of this post had anything to do with that awesome graphic but it does not.

Instead of scientifically proving how my milkshake is better than yours, I'll tell you about probably the most guilty secret I have. No, its not Nutella + Pizza Depot + Starbucks donuts. That is a very good guess though! but those aren't technically secrets. I have to give you some back-story first, if you don't want to read it you're welcome to just look at the chart again and skip a paragraph.

When I was 10 my mom took me to the dentist to have my loose tooth pulled. I've had a great history in my life with teeth that just want to hang on, and many string pulling at home and eating apples stories. In fact I don't think there was a single baby tooth that DIDN'T want to hang on, so anyhow, my mom thought it best to go to the dentist for one of the larger back ones. This also began my illustrious persona of "acting super brave really makes everybody happy" and it really did. Never failed to make a great impression. I swear this particular time the dentist used a small chubby screw driver to actually pop my tooth out, and it hurt, and I was mad. My mom said she would buy me a present for being so brave this time, since it's probably the only time I complained (a lot) and if I knew any swear words I would have used them (a lot). She took me to a jewelry store and told me I could pick out whatever I wanted. You have to appreciate the rarity of this occasion since we were not the family who had extra cash to buy jewelry for no reason.. so I picked out this cute gold ring with a green stone in it. My mom said I could have it today, or I could wait a few weeks and have my birthstone in it. I picked today! Later on my mom wore it, bleached the floor all the time with it on and it broke.. never to be fixed and worn by me.

My mom lost or broke my jewelry on a spectacularly consistent basis. Earrings, necklaces, rings.. so my grandma took all my stuff to keep with her which was fine with me since I don't wear jewelry unless I am able to never take it off. Two of the MOST important pieces of jewelry I had kept away (for me to look at and not wear) are my solid gold charm bracelet my grandma put together for me over many birthdays, and a 24k large gold locket my great grandmothers bought for me with their pictures in it "so I'd remember them" and had inscribed and everything. I mentioned I'm half Italian at some point right? Ok I hope that was obvious. Anyways, so basically all the jewelry on earth really didn't matter past those two things and I was allowed to wear them for special occasions.

When I was 16 I went to Italy with my grandparents (yes I just realized it was 10 years the other night and that blew my mind) and was the last time I got to wear the braclet and locket. I actually didn't like them because they were *gasp* yellow gold! so I kept them in my room there. One day we went to visit my grandfathers aunt in one of those old people's homes .. which is a lot different than the ones here.. and she was just the most fantastic lady. I just loved her; of course it helped that she was just nuts about me and said awesome stuff like I'm as gorgeous as the sun and touched my face all the time. lol. She spent her entire life as a nun, as did her older sister who was also in the home but didn't speak anymore, and when she left there after 50 years they gave her a gold watch with her name inscribed on it. She gave it to my grandparents to give to my mother since they share the very same first and last name. Not that it has anything more to do with the story other than this woman isn't alive any longer and I just adored her, I'll add that she felt so badly about not giving me anything like she did for my mom that she gave my grandparents $200 to get me whatever I wanted on the trip and also took me to her room and told me I had to pick out something to take with me. She didn't have a lot of items in there obviously, being a nun and now being in a home, and a few years ago the figurine she let me have fell off a shelf and broke, which broke my heart, and I keep the head in my jewelry box.


I begged my grandparents not to give my mother the watch and they did anyways and yes she broke it by wearing it to do the dishes. She took it apart to "dry" and lost all the pieces somehow. That made me feel fantastic. These are just things of course and materials do not mean anything but even I was taught better than to lose something someone gave you and my mother is a gypsy as far as I'm concerned. So here is my guilty secret, at last, which would've had no meaning if confessed to you without telling you the entire story: I lost my locket.

For 2 years I have been sick over it, and there is no way in hell I can ever replace it or not let my grandmother go to her grave thinking I have it. In fact I lost the charm bracelet too, until this Christmas when I opened the packed box of ornaments and found it in there! What happened I don't know but at least one of those items back and that makes me feel a little better. I mean, when someone spends time and thousands of dollars collecting charms for you from your childhood, you try not to leave it behind when you pack!

Maybe I should put out an ad for lost and found: 1 gold locket plus chain missing, pictures of two sweet old ladies in it who are no longer living, inscribed "All Our Love, Anna Maria" .. if found please return to THIS FUCKNG IDIOT [insert picture of me]. I am even WORSE than my mother?? How did that happen!!?


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