Tuesday, September 30
Sunday, September 28
We stayed for a month with family in Italy, and I was so lucky I got my own room. I'd spend so many nights to myself happily reading or writing in my journal about what I did and the flowers I picked and smell them over and over after I pressed them between the pages. So this kept me up for hours, one particular night, and I was reading and listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers Under the Bridge and timing it perfectly (along with Only in Dreams) to the little guitar strings in my heart, all while contemplating how thirsty I was. 16 year olds can, in theory, do so many things! Well I didn't want to wake anyone, I was a guest and didn't speak enough Italian to explain what I was doing.... but at the same time I was very thirsty. Somehow that led me out to the patio on the top floor of the apartment in only these white underwear I had on (it was a hot 1998 summer there) and I sat my (yes 16 year old self ) into a chair sipping a glass of OJ and looking down on everything. It's funny because well, it is just funny... what was I thinking anyway? but at the time I was seeing the world was full of this amazing and awfully large sense of freedom that previously I either knew nothing about or wasn't supposed to know about. A kind of cheerful "whatever" ! I decided to be a part of it by doing something just because I felt like it and not caring one bit if any other lonely person was outside at midnight and happen to see me. HI HELLO I'M ENJOYING LIFE... how about you??
How could I possibly let that go on without me.
Friday, September 26
Oh what a wonderful wonderful world it would be! The sun would set in a pink and orange hue every time I put the sweater on, and I'd magically have a good hour of interruption and worry free time to wander around a tree-lined park, where red and orange leaves are falling and getting caught up in the crisp air. And even with this air blowing around, my hair would remain perfect, or at the very least only be brushed by attractively. Oh yes, it would be the best with me and my new perfect sweater! Nothing could stop us, not time, not potholes, nothing. We'd go anywhere, meeting such new and interesting people along the way... probably all while sitting on park benches, or grabbing a coffee and reading a book, or even somehow on our routine look-out of some large gaping canyon. I mean, just look at them! How could everyday not be perfect while wearing these?
Boy, would it be impossible to make a bad decision or fail at anything while wearing that. It'd be my own personal perminent hug. Oh... and I guess I wouldn't mind this shirt, too. You know, while I'm in the store.
I'll admit though, for the $400 or so dollars the perfect world would cost, someone could buy a lot of heroin. Just sayin'! I do like that store though, so while in my perfect universe of beauty and grace I bought these items, in my real universe I actually was there to buy gifts for other people. I hope they like them.... lucky jerks.
Wednesday, September 24
Now I'm thinking about all the Strategic Planning and Consulting I could for people getting married. Actually wait a minute, that would suck! Yeah so I'll stick to blogging and coming up with inventions in my spare time. Haha.
FYI: if anyone is wondering what happened to my search of the week... it's because the searches are becoming more like resources for anyone looking for under.age.toon.girl.on.girl. I'm really starting to question my content.
Tuesday, September 23
You may be able to tell the fun and drunk levels were ridiculous... oh just slightly. The lingerie party was so much fun, and my gifts were awesomely naughty. I had a princess crown and sash and my own martini glass with a veil on it... yeah I was Brided out and it was fantastic! I also had a special shot glass around my neck all night that held 2 shots.. and of what I even remember I had at least 15 shots. Mix that with some wine and rum and cokes, and take a guess at how my night ended. Antonella also bought me a shot of Whiskey. No really, just a guess how it ended. If your answer includes a sink, a very nice bathroom attendant, a toilet, a sleepy Wes in his car, and a lot of pink stuff.... you're spot on! Otherwise we had a really fun and 'clean' night at the Dirty Martini though... the only "stripping" we saw was ironically from Maria, who took off one of her tank tops for me to wear out of the bar. Haha. What a great cousin I have, willing to take off her clothes.
Tell me how anyone can sell you enough alcohol to poison you, and yet public drunkenness is frowned upon? Is that any way to treat an apparently good customer ...of alcohol? I say nay. Nay!
It has to be a staple of bachelorette culture that you see at least one other Bride while you're out and you give props to each other, and there's at least one guy who offers to marry you instead, in case things don't work out. Sure, stranger I don't know, you're next in line! Let me put a little number 2 on your forehead. lol. He actually gave me his card and I believe it had a race car on it. I hope that means he sells cars and not just "likes" cars a whole lot. Don't laugh, I once went to school with someone who did a book report via showing the class a video of Lamborghini's. Just, Lambourghini's... driving around... aaaaaand there was no book. He also wore jogging pants all of the time. Just saying... if you want your kid to be all weird, put him in jogging pants until he's 14.
I should know, my grandma tried doing that to me. They were neon peach and said "awesome" down the leg. Awesome indeed. Would you like to know what else is also awesome? Never drinking again. That would be awesome.
Friday, September 19
Lingerie + Bachelorette Party tomorrow night! Something tells me it's going to be epic. I absolutely, positively, head to toes excited for all the messiness. Bring it on, bitches!
Ann the tank is back, out of retirement, for one night only.
Wednesday, September 17
I forgot to post a few pics from the summer. There was a great night where Sean, Wes and I went to a Jays vs Boston game (for any Toronto sports fans, it was the game where they had the game get so out of control that they bumped their pitcher back to the minors).
So this was just a regular guy who decided to dress in a FULL baseball uniform. Pants, socks and shoes! He hung around the ticket booth at the end of the game and then RAN AWAY into traffic.
Maybe he was afraid of missing the bus back to the cornfield of dreams.
It was also funny how only Wes, in a sea of Boston fans, got randomly yelled at so many times to "go back to where you come from" ... you mean, Hamilton? Wes' all-star comeback was even better. "yeah well I've seen better stadiums". What? lol.
Sunday, September 14
After receiving this email, I think I can retire. Enjoy.
I'm writing you from Kean University in Union, New Jersey. I am the editor of a small independent newspaper here at Kean, and we are currently recruiting writers and other contributors. I have a habit of vetting all possible recruits, including a Google search in the process, mostly to make sure we're not opening the paper to crazies or individuals with an "unwholesome" intent.
I thought you'd be interested in knowing one our respondents was none other than Beth Mandio, the "17 year old girl from white-trash New Jersey." I just wanted to thank you for that blog post which ousted her blatant plagiarism (and very, very creepy life-stealery). Rest well knowing this Beth character will not profit from her plagiarist ways.
The Steaming Pipe
Wednesday, September 10
Sunday, September 7
When I growing up I was a pretty odd little ball. Oh no it's true. Not in a creepy Dakota Fanning sort of way, but more like I didn't read Anne of Green Gables or have a coin collection or have tea parties or want to ride horses. I'm terrified of horses, and even ponies. I had Japanese tea parties and tried to ski with wrapping paper rolls, took Commander Keen very seriously, and listened to Ace of Base but only while walking in the space between apartment buildings.
Anyway, on to the story with no point.
If you can imagine my childhood room (I say room in the singular when really I had like 3.. so one of my childhood rooms) it had a window with a pull down blind, a wicker bed, a real traffic cone/nightlight, a red Sony ghetto blaster where I'd only listen to a Bill Cosby comedy tape (but only when my parents went out) and really faded floral wallpaper. Anyway! So keep imagining this, if you can possibly bare the idea, all this plus some teen dream posters mixed in with Ninja Turtles and even a huge 20x20 puzzle poster of New Kids on the Block... where Jordan was inappropriately unbuttoning his jeans. Very scandalous, Mom!
Well one day, possibly while I was listening to the hit single The Sign on my cool new portable CD player that just came out, I was walking between apartment buildings and I saw a weird bug. I ran and told my Dad to come see it, it was so freaking weird! My Dad had no idea what it was and encouraged me to catch it and look it up. So, that's what I did. This was before the internet though so all I had was Encarta, and Encarta shockingly didn't know what it was either. I managed somehow to bring myself to come close enough to it to put it in one of those tiny coffee crystal jars. It had a red lid - if you want to keep visualizing this. I poked holes in it, put a leaf in it to eat, and asked everyone what they thought it was. Nobody knew and now I didn't know what to do with it! I couldn't let it go, like my Dad suggested, for fear it would be out there and knows where I live so I might run into it again. Since I could not immediately decide what to do with it, I placed the jar in my room behind the pulled down blind on my window. It basically stayed there, as I grew more and more afraid of it, and I'm not even sure when it died because I simply would not even peek back there. Time passed and I was now too deathly terrified of the jar behind the blind to do anything with it. When I'd go to sleep I would have waking nightmares that the dead freak bug was mad at me and out for supernatural revenge! The window sill became it's burial place and, in this narrative, I suppose that would make me the girl who has to walk past the cemetery everyday on her way home from school.
That bug in the jar stayed there for what seemed like a year at least.. a freaking year. I don't remember what happened, but it's pretty likely I ended up confessing the nightmare that was my life and had my Mom or Dad finally throw it away for me. All I remember was it was a huge relief when it was gone!
I'm sure the whole thing is an analogy for something else but hell if I know what that is. I kinda just want to play Commander Keen right now, anyone else in?
Thursday, September 4
For recalls involving allergens in food and whatnot I get regular updates from the Canadian Food Inspection Agency. Really great little thing when something like a Listeria outbreak happens. Now I get updates like 4 times a day.. from when they volunteer to recall things, to actually recalling them because someone is sick or dead, and then giving me the product names and where in the area they're sold. Honestly I thought the problem was just packaged meats and prepared sandwiches until today they're recalling CHEESE??
And this is why I started wondering is anything good for you anymore?
You know I bought packaged lettuce at Price Chopper a while ago (aka the last time I ever will buy lettuce there) and when I went to make a salad there were two bugs living in it. Like literally, living it up in lettuceville, eating their cares away and probably leaving bug poop or residue all over it. Suuuuure I'll just wash that off. Ewwwww!! I threw the entire thing in the trash and killed the bugs with hot water for their insolence. It's not the same as Listeria but it still makes me uneasy about the food that's out there to buy. If it were free food I'd agree that hey, it's a gamble! I'm pretty sure all the food in the stores aren't free though.
Ohhh Whole Foods.. you'd never sell me Listeria, would you? I mean, you make your stores out of recycled cars so it certainly doesn't seem like you would, but who knows! I've been let down before....
Wednesday, September 3
The EX was a hot tranny mess this weekend. I gave more than a few people the look of death for absentmindedly walking around and almost tripping me with their strollers. I mean really, when there are that many people around where are you going to go? You're going probably in the same direction I'm going, so take some deep breaths. Fuck I hate Toronto.
I was expecting that so it didn't ruin any of the fun at the farm area and also the horses were great and the airshow was unbelievable. The only thing I didn't like.. aside from the hotness.. $2.50 transaction fees.. and wandering idiots was at the farm area. The animals were really neat and yet for some reason when it got to the pigs, possibly because they were asleep, people were all flicking their ears and picking up the baby pigs like it's some market in Honduras. Clearly it said you were not supposed to do that ON THE SIGN. None of the other animals were bothered so I don't get it.. maybe pigs look like they won't fucking bite you? otherwise it was a great area for the kiddos to learn about how the farm works. Even the live bee hive was neat, but itchy to watch. This guy was cool.
Spent a couple days out of the weekend in the pool, at the family picnic and at La Salle park. Its been a very busy weekend but now that it's over I'm glad since there won't be much summer left to do that stuff anymore, and September will be just as busy.
Oh we also tried some of the Mill St. Coffee beer one night and it WAS good. Especially if you follow up a few of those with something lighter. I'd try it if I were you. Speaking of coffee, I also realized there is only one shade I tan into, and that is some sort of cappuccino colour. I'm pretty sure I can't get any more tan than this but who knows, it happened on accident from just being outside so much this year. Actually I forgot to put on sunscreen this weekend except for my face and, true to my "I burn once" statment.. I never burned. Now I think about how badass the sun was I think it's a Labor Day miracle! I feel invincible to the sun haha. Annnnd because I said that I am going to definitely put sunscreen on today so I don't have to eat my words.
Hope everyone is enjoying the start of September!