Friday, June 27

Mysteries of the Universe

Well I have a bunch of good news, and one bit of bad news that I can turn into good news. Here goes...

YAY I got a sunburn at the splash park! Now I can use my cool Biotherm After-Sun stuff early this year. No need to wait for when I burn at the cottage, I can be super moisturized and sparkly right now.

Really it's prefect for me since I think the cure for a burn is in fact sparkles.. they just somehow make me feel better. I should really just buy the whole line of products with how badly I burn the first few times in the sun. I wore short shorts for about 10 mins in the direct sunlight last week and my skin's first reaction was to get all red blotchy and angry like.. what the FUCK is this? the sun? you're exposing me to sunlight now?

Eventually my pale English-ness gets over it and then I turn a little Italian Olive, but nothing bridges that transitional period better than this Biotherm stuff.. and believe me, I've tried a lot of stuff! Even some unorthodox methods like getting a sunburn and then going out in the sun some more for some reason. The sun made my sunburn, maybe it can cure it?

How else can I make this good news? Like I said, at least I won't burn at the cottage this year! My burning days will be long gone by then.*

I have such an appreication for my Jersey Fit sheets right now.








* Moment of silence to remember Cottage 2005. Known as the year I drove up in my red cabrio with the top down all 5 hours and got the most horrible sunbelt burn, which looked as if I was swimming in acid, and had to stay out of the sun (and my bra) the entire week! How I avoided skin cancer that year is one of the greatest myteries of the universe.

Monday, June 23

Fuck

Legendary comedian George Carlin has died. Sad news... Jerry Seinfeld wrote a great letter about him for the NY Times.

I suppose in the spirit of the things I always found funny about him, I'll tell you something that really irritates me, and, use as much swearing as possible.



Health Information.

I read "did you know ____ is bad for you?" all the time and as anyone would, I think to myself, oh no I don't want to eat something that is bad for me! What do I eat then? The answer is always: nothing! Don't eat anything at all! Or more specifically, look, we don't know what you should be eating we just know _____ will fucking kill you.

Example: MILK.

Great so milk is so fucking bad for you that if you don't drink or eat any dairy products for just 7 days your body will let go of 1 gallon of mucus. Disgusting! It may even be responsible for Autism.. possibly the scariest condition ever.. plus basically a billion other diseases. Ok so, no milk, got it! I guess I'll drink soy milk?

NO SOY MILK IS EVEN WORSE SOMEHOW! The truth about soy. Oh and Rice milk doesn't have enough nutrients so you have to get calcium from somewhere else, so go worry about that! Fantastic.

Great! Soooooo "health information" people, you're really great at scaring the shit out of me anytime I want to eat something so why not give me some ideas about what I can eat? Or at least something that won't kill me.. I'm just looking to keep living, here. I had the good fortune of reading the Peta brochure.. and wow, Pigs actually go mad from not being able to turn around? And they're more intelligent than Dogs.. so I can't eat that anymore. Goodbye, Wendy's Baconator! Anything else, assholes? Anyone else want to tell me what sucks to eat? I'm all ears! Just give me a list of what I need to buy ok, I won't question it, but right now I need to know WHAT CREAM SUBSTANCE DO I PUT IN MY ORGANIC FREE-TRADE COFFEE... just tell me that!


This is exactly why there is a Measles outbreak. Some mother-fuckers started telling parents that the vaccine gives you Autism and give you no other information, like how that ingredient has now been taken out of the MMR vaccine, so rather than risk doing something bad like mentally retarding their children people just are too afraid to do anything at all! And I'm not sure why those cunts don't see the responsibility they have to give people alternatives and not just sitting there wondering is anything good for you? *

I mean just last week my Dad was in a panic after watching something on 60 minutes about how much cell time I was using, and got me that MagicJack so he didn't have the mental image of cooking my brain everytime he called me.

I'm telling you.. a few more years of this and people are going to just ziplock bag themselves up, put an IV drip in their arm to eat, sit in a cave, and avoid contact with anyone or anything.





*I forgot a couple swear words: cocksucker, bitch, piss and tits. Ok done.

Sunday, June 22

Dream Kitchen

Search of the Week: Google: baby pool disinfect dead squirrel




Poor little squirrel. I think it's funny that they were looking for something to specifically disinfect for squirrels though. Hey, who knows, maybe there is!

I think it's also funny, while we're on it, how search engines have basically become doctors and confession boxes seeing as we tell them everything!

Google how to get rid of crabs from a hooker... wait, a hooker who is half Chinese-half Portuguese. That might be different. She had a lower back tattoo of an angry beaver... Google hooker identification on the HIV positive list. Wait, also Google did I overpay for sexual services... I feel like I did. I should have researched this online before my trip to Cuba.



I say this admitting my one guilt of stupid dream interpretation searches.
I'm totally superficial about it too, if the website looks like some hippie in 1999 made it... aka it has terrible html and dream catchers and wind chimes all over it.. then I am less apt to believe the interpretations. Usually I sit there not being able to find anything I'd just dreamt of but whenever I do I'm pretty skeptical about it anyway, so I'm not sure what the point was of searching. Well, that is, other than possibly finding an interpretation that is so obviously true that is uses both my first and last name in the answer. lol. Last night for example I has such a ridiculous dream: I was cooking during some party I was having and this guy kept coming into the kitchen to flirt with me.



Flirting

To dream that you are flirting or that someone is flirting with you, represents your need for intimacy and affection. You may be about to enter into a serious commitment or relationship in the near future.


Interesting since we're off to London today to tour and book the Inn. Still... didn't see my first OR last name on it so clearly it's too vague. Keep trying, dream dictionary!

Thursday, June 19

Little Boxes

Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of ticky tacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same

There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.




Literally every one of my favourite shows lately are ones that I don't watch for some reason then hear about how it's awesome but then don't watch it on purpose because now I feel left out.. and then eventually decide that enough time has passed where I and the last person on earth (aka Sean) should start watching every episode in a marathon-like fashion.

Enter: Weeds.

And the people in the houses all went to the university
Where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and there's lawyers, and business executives
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.


I just finished watching Episode 1 of Season 4 tonight and now I unfortunately have to actually wait for shows to happen on their regular schedule.. when "the man" wants me to view my favourite shows. There are so many things wrong with waiting to watch TV. In any case I just love this show, the characters are hilarious especially Kevin Nealon.. and their fictional town of Agrestic reminds me so much of living in Oakville that it makes it all that much funnier.

And they all play on the golf course and drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university
Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.



They also have such a fantastic soundtrack.. naturally when Nancy walks out of the guy's house to the kick-ass Jenny Owen Young's "What the Fuck (was I thinking?)" well I just fell completely in love with the show. The only thing that could get better in the 4th season is some ill Scarlett.. hey it's a show about pot, I'm sure it could happen. Finger's Crossed for One A or Mary Jane getting played while something absolutely ridiculous happens.. let's say with Andy.





By the way, I mean really, who has sex with Matthew Modine? He's practically plastic!



And the boys go into business and marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

Monday, June 16

Gidgets




The weekend was pretty nice, we biked a lot of it - in fact mostly unintentional 18K "we got lost" 4-hour ride but as soon as we were pretty sure we would survive it was fun! Yesterday we took my Dad and Grandparents out to dinner for Father's Day/Also Birthday. As a side note: don't you just love it when the waitress at fancy-pants restaurants seem like they can't conceal their hatered for their job any longer? I'm not saying they should just LOVE getting me food but honestly, love it a bit more than the chick at Appleby's ok? Love that you didn't have to get anyone crayons at my table or sing when it's someone's birthday.

Anyway on the way to dinner my newly 70 year old grandpa got to test out his present, the TomTom GPS navigator thing. It's pretty damn accurate and apparently can read you audio books, hook up to your phone, find all the gas stations and bank machines, play music and give you a Sweedish massage. Alright that last one, not so much, but by the end of the trip all the men in my life decided they now can no longer find their way around anywhere without one.

My Dad also bought me this MagicJack thing and I'm trying to get it working at my house - something about my router is giving me probs - I guess it's like Skype but I get a phone number from California! I uh.. am a fan of their shutters? Other gadgets I'm a fan of recently: the new Sony Vaio seems to be so kick-ass that I almost don't mind it runs Vista! Lastly, I'm considering buying the Yaris as my new car - regardless of how absolutely Euro that seems. This is how I see it. When you get into a car accident, rather than go the other dumber way which is to need to drive a Hummer (aka a fucking pimp tractor) so you can DESTROY the next car that hits you, instead I want a car so fuel efficient that if I survive I can chase them in their car till they run out of gas, beat the hell out of them and leave them stranded then drive myself back home and then to Chicago to buy myself a celebratory "kill" pizza.

Thursday, June 12

Flavour Country

Search of the Week: since I'm no longer accepting questionable searches, the winner is my own site name "asgoodasitgets" which frequently gets searched.. I don't know why. Come on, just type it into the browser. Grab some balls.




My 70 year old grandfather set his quit date as his birthday - yesterday. Sure, I mistook his standing pace breathing for a squeak toy... and he can't sleep at night without hacking something up but I'm really sure him quitting is going to fix everything. Here's something nobody tells you smokers by the way - you SMELL, for real, and it doesn't matter what you do. Anytime my Mom sends me something I have to disinfect it because I honestly can't stand the smell. That's right, I'm not a clean freak, I let things slide all the time - the smell is really just that bad! Now I think about it I don't know how anyone ever came to my old house without a mask. I'm a little surprised I had as many friends/boyfriends, now that I'm not around smoke I realize it's basically like sleeping in a slaughter house. Mmm death.

Honestly though today my Mom sends me a kiddie pool and it couldn't have smelled more like nicotine.. how is that possible? I'm thinking did she blow the smoke right on it? How do you even disinfect a plastic kiddie pool, even? I'm serious.. I'm going to be outside figuring this out tomorrow. Lemons? Is it lemons? Lemons and Mr Clean?

By the way, I think my new car is going to be whatever doesn't run on gas. So either a hot air balloon or road-windsurfing. Both of those sound awesome actually.... fuck cars!

Tuesday, June 10

Finally! A comic with a subject I can relate to.


nataliedee.com



It's really a rare thing when your most horrifying nightmare creeps into waking life, like when I bit into bubblegum ice cream a few weeks ago and part of my tooth actually broke. My heart almost exploded out of my chest from pure terror. It was great!

Now I just have to be chased by a bunch of people and find myself only able to run in slow motion and we'll be set!

Monday, June 9

Alright here's a stupid craft story for you




Do you remember that show in the 80s (if you're Canadian) called "Just Like Mom" ? They let these kids go crazy in a kitchen full of food to "create" a dish while their Mothers watched in horror knowing at the end they'd have to eat some of it. It was totally my favourite show ever! If the kids made something with let's say, and egg on top I'd be all.. OH NO THAT ISN'T AN INGREDIENT IN APPLE PIE, YAY YOU HATE YOUR MOM THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME. If the Mom made a face when she went to eat it I'd be super pissed too; what's her problem? Is she too good for chocolate pepper ketchup rice pie?

And that basically explains the rest of this story. I like inventing things. For fun I thought of all the stuff I have made as a kid which were not crafts and came up with a short list to share:


- perfume + other perfume + more perfume = my own better perfume
- water + hand lotion = my own better hand lotion
- toothpaste and floss on paper = fridge art that smells nice!
- apple juice + milk = newer better drink
- milk in a cup in the bathroom = my own better cheese?


etc.


A big problem I have with crafting - other than it means you're crazy - is you're not really making or inventing anything new. Sure if you refinish a table it'll look better but probably as good as it looked brand new OR just a bit different. If you made a new sort of table that becomes a cupboard though, that would be cool. Same with anything else so I guess I don't really appreciate "art" on it's own... I'd really prefer it did something. Even today I still enjoy thinking about my own inventions on a regular basis. I have some pretty good ones! just waiting for some 3M kind of company to listen to my ideas. And knock on my door and ask me if I have any. lol.


By the way all of those previous inventions I listed were all horrible especially the last one. The toothpaste one wasn't AS bad I suppose... just weird. I also realize nobody wants perfume that comes in a giant tub and smells so strong it could rape cats.


If you want to feel better about me possibly calling you "crafting people" crazy and that list didn't do it then please, read on.

When I was I dunno, maybe 10? maybe 12.. I'm bad with ages, I could have been 6. I decided to make something out of cardboard. It was SUCH a great idea, whatever it was, that there was no deterring me. So I'm sawing away at this cardboard piece with a huge carving knife. My mom kept knives everywhere but that's another story - actually no its not really a story she simply kept knives everywhere. So my Dad walks in, asks what I'm doing, I tell him - along with what a brilliant idea it was - and he says "Ok.. well be careful with that. Are you sure you don't want scissors?" Oh no, impossible, I already tried scissors and they weren't good enough. I showed him where my thumb was red from trying that.. like jeeze DAD. He tells again to be careful about cutting myself and knowing he can't deter me from doing it, leaves to do something else. I am bothered by the mere mention my brilliant idea may not be as great as I thought, and as far as cutting myself with a knife this big well that's just stupi... oops I just sliced right through my finger. Oh dear god it's bad, it's purple, what to do? Go call my Dad? Oh no, not that! He would just be proven right about me cutting myself, can't have that. Ok let's just calmly walk to the sink in horror and wash it, lightly put a band aid over the flap of skin and pretend it never happened.

I now have a scar in the shape of a flap and for a while I really did forget where it came from. I'd totally love to end this stupid craft story for you with some kind of message about how I learned my lesson but I'd be absolutely lying. I actually have a similar story from when I was very very much younger than that and I was in the bathroom having climbed up on the counter in front of the mirror trying to shave my face "just like my Dad" ironically! Anyway I didn't know what the hell shaving your face was even for, nicked my skin above my lip and when my Dad walked in and asked me what the red stuff was, rather than admit I cut myself I licked it off and said it was ketchup. It stung and my dad laughed and it was a favourite story of his. To be fair my parents DID tell me blood was ketchup when I saw it on TV. So you see it's just my natural reaction to be a complete and utter stubborn child! I think up stupid ideas I do them no matter what, I don't enjoy ANY criticism on them, and I don't ask for help when I get in trouble I rather just pretend it's not happening instead.

My poor parents - I'm so totally screwed if my child is anything like me and it's almost a certainty that they will be. Tell me what to do? But that's the opposite of what I want to do! No dice, ma!

Even though I despise it, to my credit I am now more likely to ask for help and also criticism because it is helpful - even to someone who knows everything or doesn't like to share everything, like me ;) ! Nevertheless I'd appreciate if you'd support me if I gave you things made out of toothpaste OK? Thanks a bunch!

Friday, June 6

Sweet sweet crazy


I ran across this book and now need to buy it because it actually made me want to sew something. Let me be clear that I don't do crafts - if I make something with my own two hands I want it to be in a museum or something awesome, not: "wow now I'm done 46 hours of intense labour on this hat, what should I do first? wear it? oh great... that's all it does... ever." But really, look how flippin adorable those little felt animals are their adorable little flippin birthday party or whatever. Those adorable table and chairs? Give me some tiny flippin adorable blue prints and I'll make those right up, too! I'll make a whole fleet of them and use them for the felt garden reception wedding of Mr. and Mrs. Cuddlebuns. It'll be the most adorable felt wedding of the season!


The reason I don't "craft" is not because I'm not good at anything creative, I am only semi-joking about that senerio above, but I actually believe people who do "craft" are crazy. You can make things but if you "craft" it's highly likely you're totally nuts. I think it's a known fact they are linked together - especially if you don't just like doing one hobby but ALL or any crafts imaginable. You also set time aside to "craft" even if you don't necessarily have a project in mind, host craft parties, have a little craft room with a bunch of your unfinished crafts etc; ya that's crazy!

If you want proof just drive by my old house and ask my Mom to show you all the stuff she made this week. She knits, re-finishes furniture, re-paints, reupholsters things, "finds" things.. and whatever it is, like a mini salt and pepper shaker.. it's nuts. If you're saying to yourself "Oh that doesn't sound so nuts... I think you're overreacting, the worst you could accuse her of is thinking she's Bob Vila" then I'll just mention that most of the things she finds are because squirrels told her where it was. Hey I like that she is active and doing semi-constructive or creative things - that's really great! All I'm saying is I'll run the risk of looking like a total nutjob because I still really want to make these little felt animals!

They could live in the cutest house..... sigh.


My grandfather turns 70 on Wednsday, maybe I can get my Mom to whip him up a soapbox racer before then as a gift. I mentioned her crafts are "unique" right? Like I had to...
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