Tuesday, May 12

Caffinated

I have been finding myself a little introspective, probably due to the one medium coffee I've had at the park which gave me the jitters. I'm all high on the coffee
bean, or, on the bean as they say on the streets.

It all started around Mother's Day, I was falling asleep and suddenly I started imagining this one day at school when I was in grade 1. My school had those 60s stairs that were all made up of different stones with two strips of glittery black sand so you wouldn't fall down them. In my mind I was walking down ..5 stairs to get to my class. I think I had smelled something earlier that day in Mountain Equipment Co-Op that was a little like wood and jug paint which made me think of school, as that's what it smelled like. When I walked down there I remembered the day I made my Mom a mother's day card. It was black and we drew flowers on it with chalk, and mine was pink, and I did a particularly nice job on it. We then added tissue paper bits with glue, applying them with pencil erasers, to make the petal effects. My mom kept all my Mothers day crafts in her drawer and one day she was mad at me and took them out and ripped them up in front of me. The one I made, plus another one in my mind I still can see torn up was a blue construction paper one with orange hand prints and a poem from the previous year.


She taped them together later in tears but, that was worse, worse than throwing them away was keeping something you broke on purpose. So on Sunday while waiting for our breakfast I thought back to that, and realized that I was just 7 which means my mom was only 26 at the time she did that, which I never take into consideration. She was a whole year younger than I physically am now, and I still feel like I screw things up, so as much as it hurts to forgive someone I thought I could give it a shot.

I bought her a green scarf for Mother's Day this year and, I'm happy about that decision, for myself. I can move on from that, though things are very very different and.. complicated. I can move on from something if I choose to.

I'm sharing that story because I actually found myself thinking back today and scolding myself about what basically amounts to feeling spoiled, as a person who gets trusted with personal things I think a little too much. Without doing it back, of course. So really it is my friends who have ruined me ;) To be honest, in my life I have really worked on being a good friend because that is something I decided was important to me; for others I care about to feel as though I am always dealing with them fairly and have all the hope in the world that they're blessed with great things and just an open mind and ear to understand situations the best way I can. It is easy to share interests, a sense of humor, exciting experiences and all that fun friend stuff.. so I am always working on the rest. I guess I thought I was doing good and then something happened to change my mind, so I feel a little guilty I guess. And conflicted. Knowing things about a person definitely does not make it easier to understand them... just the opposite. That goes for myself though as well so really, wtf am I even saying right? I'm so the mayor hypocrite-ville.

My coffee bean buzz brain says I am glad I realized I should be happy anytime a friend doesn't need me as much as I am happy if they do.
My coffee bean rapid palpating heart says I'm not entitled to put anyone on the spot for any reason, as I have my own reasons for keeping my private life private. It is what it is.

As a side note Andrea is coming into town with Simon tomorrow and we get to chill all Thursday night so that'll be pretty fun! Gotta put a little face-time in every year or so yanno :)

1 Comment:

Amber said...

wow, what a realization about your mom. i never thought of that before either. i'm glad you are figuring this out for yourself, no matter what happens with her side. :)

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