Tuesday, September 29

Golden Ticket

Sean was talking to me about how we should go to Dubai and fly Emirates (please, someone clear up for me the correct pronunciation) because they have these crazy luxurious pod airplane seats even in business class. I asked if he simply wanted us to go to Dubai for the airplane ride or actually seeing the area. He assured me of course not just for the plane ride, the area has a lot of things to see too like an indoor ski hill for some reason. My opinion of Dubai thus far is like visiting Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, and that's not just because I assume their airline tickets are actually golden.

I stumbledupon a site just this morning, as if it knew we just talked about this, for the website of the luxurious Dubai destination plane on Etihad Airways. I lifted a few of the cool pictures and here's my interpretation of what they are telling me my experience will be like flying with them.

You will be a guest on our nightly airplane talk show.

There is no need to look directly at the hostess bringing the blood diamonds for your English Muffin.

You will sleep so comfortably it's as if we've imprisoned you in sweet dreams.

Lastly.. their promo page in Arab Maxim with the caption:

Luxury. Decadence. Shitting in the sky.

Monday, September 28

Expert Advice

For Mother's Day this year my mother got me a vintage 1965 book.

Mother's Encyclopedia: Expert Advice on Child Care and Family

Illustrated and published by Parents Institute.

Yes apparently in the 60s there was a whole institute of parents, they had figured everything out regarding parenting and decided to put it all that cutting edge knowledge in a handbook. How awesome is that? I had quite a good time reading it! And the pictures were great.

My favourite part was I think the list of questions your child could ask you, and their appropriate answers. I should go find it and give you some examples here.. like answering what is the moon made out of and what happens when hover cars take over the streets. I just picture little Sally asking mom if nuclear war was going to happen and her saying "hold on, let me go get the encyclopedia".

In fact, as a mom, I'd like to go ahead and use that as my future go-to. Except I wouldn't go get the book but just hold the newspaper up and go back to reading it. Or if a really confusing situation happened like why won't the dog wake up, I'd put the fire on, grab some hot chocolate and go to the book to see if they wanted me to answer a different question instead.

Speaking of diversion has anyone noticed that the Palm Pre commercial looks a lot like a Monistat ad... but with a way creepier girl?

Uh are we selling phones here.. or..

Wednesday, September 23

Surprise! I hate Candy

Last night I was reading a funny website called No One Will Ever Believe You: Bill Murray will deny all these stories. It's totally hilarious short stories website where it's all about Bill Murray and every story ends in him telling the person no one will believe their story.  Too funny.. I love stuff like that.

This next paragraph is going somewhere. 

I live in a world where all you need to do to convince someone to eat something good is to call it candy, like today when I made some Strawberries with a little sugar sprinkled on them.  Boom.. Strawberry Candy!  Want to take some vitamins?  Oh I mean... special treats?  Anything candy is great.  So I was thinking back to that site when I saw a candy commercial and realized there's actually quite a lot of candy I don't like and anytime I tell someone this fact it's as if Bill Murray comes out and says "no one will ever believe you" because no one does.  Who hates candy? you must be lying or crazy.  I'm into lists so... here is a list of candy/sweets/treats that 90% of the world likes but I don't, and no one ever believes me.

  1. Maltesers 
  2. Marshmallows... cooked or raw
  3. That includes Peeps or those Chocolate covered Marshmallow Cookie things
  4. Most Fudge including Fudge filled fudgecicles
  5. Butter Tarts
  6. Chocolate covered cherries and most chocolate from a Whitmans Sampler type thing.
  7. Apple Pie
  8. Candy Rockets
  9. Good and Pleanty
  10. Wafer cookies 
I'm leaving out of course the regular candy that nobody likes, like black licorice and candy corn.  Some things I will tolerate if I have to.. candy apples and s'mores. 

Yeah life is rough.

Monday, September 21

As good as it gets 5 highlight posts

I decided since nothing is going on right now for me to blog about other than finding a pair of sunglasses I finally love in every way, at the end of the summer; I put together a top five list of highlights on this blog in honor of this being the FMB blog of the day yesterday!

Yay :)

Nobody voted on this top five, I just particularly like the posts and I think it's a good representation of the content of the site (since 2006 at least on the Blogger format) for anyone not fortunate enough to be a regular reader.

  1. My New Mom Eats the Sun
  2. I'm Bringing 90s Back
  3. Santa and Jesus - basically as real as eachother
  4. Straight Narration is Always "too much information"
  5. Is it Just Me? & Crazy Number 33

Number 5 are not really highlights but simply asserting the prevalence on this site of me comparing things to other things, and love of taking pictures when I see a weird people on the street. Happy reading!

Thursday, September 17

Why I love children

Inspired by Walter Mischel’s 1960s experiments on delayed gratification, Steve V conducts an experiment of his own.

“Two hidden cameras. A bunch of kids. One marshmallow each.” 

Oh, The Temptation from Steve V on Vimeo.

I especially like how the kids really try so hard to eat the marshmallow somehow through all of their other senses.  Maybe I can eat it through my EYES! haha.

Tuesday, September 15

What would Julie Chen Wear?

If you have been watching Big Brother 11 then you know what I am going to say... I have no idea how there isn't a blog completely dedicated to the terrible maternity outfits Julie Chen has been sporting this year. I pretty much only tune in for that and it never disappoints me.

I will include the couple times I did tweet about it and hopefully you recall what the outfit was.

  • kudos to Julie Chen for trying to rock the maternity bright orange chiffon jacket
  • guide to Julie Chen pregnancy 101: bigger bump, bigger earrings. she's up to golf balls now.


This dress was explosively huge at the bottom for some reason, because pregnant ladies need to look bigger... always. Never big enough!

Tonight's finale outfit is simply fantastic, living past all my hopes and dreams.

My tweet:
  • Julie Chen has given up and is now just wearing a slicker from her tour of the Maid of the Mist.

Answers that are also acceptable to tonight's question "what the hell is Julie wearing?" are 1. a snuggie and 2. an alien suit.

Wow I really want to get myself one of these!

Monday, September 14

Oh yeah, it's a real thing

I really strive to provide the audience I have with some truly informative stuff, which is what my opinion is for.. naturally.  What better information is there? 

I wasn't going to mention that last week Brooke and I drove up to a variety store to get some milk and things when we saw, in the middle of the day, a guy outside the door wearing mental hospital PJs.

If that weren't weird enough, as I pass by to get into the store this guy doesn't ask me for change like I assumed he would but says "You're gorgeous! I just thought you would want to know how good you look".  He was very enthusiastic about it which made me wonder if he was actually hitting on me or just trying to make my day.  I say thank you of course but once inside I'm all.. wait a minute, a guy wearing pajamas as clothes just gave me a compliment.  What does that even mean?  Is that the opposite of good?  I'm not sure why the fact that this is in the middle of the day should mean something to the story here but I feel like it does.

We laugh about it, don't get me wrong I was looking alright I thought.. dressed nicely etc.  but once we get home the two of us and Sean are all.. ohmygod, he's one of those guys!  You know, those guys that actually have fetishes about pregnant ladies.  I provide you with the most official-ish definition: Wikipedia.  Oh yeah, it's real.  It was actually a running joke around the house because Sean had never heard of it... not like finding a sexy woman who happens to be pregnant sexy (i.e. yours truly) but just any pregnant lady is sexy because she is pregnant.  It is called a fetish because it's weird, I suppose!  And not exactly the worst one out there I've ever heard of so we'll just skip right past that.  Most importantly now we know what kind of guy that is... guys who wear pajamas outside.

 The more you know... cue the special music.

Wednesday, September 9

It's strawberry!

I've watched TLC's Cake Boss a few times and while it's insane what they can make .. it begs the age old question of why f around with cake?  It's cake.  Is it's deliciousness not good enough for you people?  You have to put flashing lights in it, or make it look like a purse, or living animals inside to really make it special?  I'll repeat, it's cake.. it wins by being itself, dress it up and pass out some forks and you have yourself a good day.

Let's explain what I am talking about with pictures.  WE LIKE PICTURES.

1. This cake actually works.. you can gamble on it.. isn't that delicious?

2. Anyone want to eat this at their Bachelorette Party?

The talent that goes into make cake look like a greasy man is just wasted on me.  Just to be clear we are talking about those with talent, unlike the stuff you see at Cake Wrecks.

3.  Like whatever this is.

The worst of it all is I have seen a lot of cakes just be flat out disturbing.  The opposite effect cake is supposed to have on you.. cringing in fear.  You wouldn't think baby shower cakes would be the worst but they honestly are.

Here's a couple examples that make me never want to eat cake again.  Scroll at your own peril. 


In closing, can I just give a big F-U to the makers of anything that would rob expectant mothers, or new mothers of the joy of cake for even a minute?  Anyone want to eat the babies head or are you just going to pick around the C-Section wound? It's strawberry!!!

Saturday, September 5

As Promised

This is the story of one of the worst Movers since Hitler's Dead Body Movers, where they move dead bodies into your home, or that waitress that served us that one New Years Eve started a Moving company, and how I nearly threw my iPhone at them. I will keep it as short as possible while including a little backstory.

We used these movers before and they were very helpful, we couldn't have recommended them any higher and gave them a tip on top of the fee at the end of the day. We made a point to use them again because they were a small company and could use the business. Ok backstory done.

So I have no tv, no internet, and it's 9am (the time the Movers were scheduled to arrive). I'm feeling good, moving day, woo! I have a little coffee, start listening to music and quoting Metric lyrics on Twitter. 9:30am rolls around, I've done the last of the dishes and give the Movers a call to see just what's going on. The guy "Larry" tells me he "lost my number somehow" and called me to tell me the guys were stuck in traffic, but had no idea how long they'd be so he'll call me back. Larry calls me back in 15mins and says they will be here in 10-20mins. I unpack the fridge, do a last load of laundry, text, listen to more music. They show up at 11am, 2 hours late. As soon as they come inside they tell me I need to sign something and give them $200 in cash before they will even start. I happen to have enough cash but made a point to call "Larry" again and let him know that he could have told me this when I booked my appointment if their policy changed, and he could have also told me this in the TWO HOURS I was waiting for them to arrive.

I read and sign the contract which has tons of hidden fees of course, which is fine, like 4 hours minimum and fees for number of flights of stairs and I calculate how much the end amount will be. I check on Sean to see how he's doing in the new place, consult one of the movers about leaving the deck and shed stuff for a second trip if we need it, and wait around for my friend Brooke to arrive around noon to keep my company. We chat about how ridiculous the movers are so far. I give them Coke to drink.

1:30pm arrives, they are done and leave the house. Brooke and I go in the fridge and pack up some more stuff, and I run around collecting whatever to bring in the car with us. We see the movers are still in my driveway and haven't left, I walk over to ask why and the guy tells me he is "figuring out my bill, and how much I am going to owe on the other side". I wonder why that is since we're not finished, and I mentioned to consult Sean about a second trip since I was right and it all didn't fit. We go to Wendy's to get lunch and arrive at the new house just as the Movers arrive. I am not pleased that they have basically fucked off for a half hour or more that I've obligatorily paid for. And they have a bunch of cash and all my worldly possessions... makes you kind of, nervous?

They hand Sean a bill and he paid the whole amount before they even started moving the stuff inside... tons of new "policies" I see from last time. We eat and I see the bill and nearly puke my fries when I see they charged us $80 for the GAS it took them to get from Scarborough to Burlington .. I am pretty sure not a lot of people have a job where they charge what it takes them to get to work. Not. Happy. NOT HAPPY.

I admit I made many comments so they could hear me about my dissatisfaction. Why write a comment card about it, right? Anyway, I've been stressed for the past two days and these idiots weren't helping so by the time they were finished and we go back to the house to meet them and put the rest of the little stuff on the truck for the second trip, I'm a little worn out. They have the same distance to travel but we're waiting there for them, again, for like 10 mins until I have to call and ask where they are. He says he "took a wrong street" and takes another 5-10mins to get to the house. One of the movers says he wants to see the shed, I assume to see how big it is, and actually thought I meant to move THE SHED on the truck. I laugh and show them the two bikes inside and a couple garden tools. They put it on the truck and claim they are DONE.

Yes they think they are done. Brooke and I are not sure what the hell they're talking about since there's a whole bunch of stuff in and outside the house NOT inside the truck. What happens at this point, I am not responsible for. It is a fact, hand to God's bible, that this guy actually freaked out first for even asking him to put that extra stuff on the truck. It was a scene from some movie where there's a smokey hut in some jungle and a bunch of people with guns who don't speak english, gambling with the lives of chickens. This guy, who actually was Haitian, wasn't even speaking the same language as me anymore at one point.. yelling and jumping around my backyard saying things like "I quit" and a bunch of other stuff that made total sense. If you've seen the Dane Cook bit about how various cultures fight, it was exactly like his description of how black people have one guy who stands completely still he's statuesque while everyone becomes insanely animated around him. Well this guy was the animated guy. It was like talking to a dish of rabies.

I called Sean to let him in on the fact we paid them, yet they were not even going to put some lousy deck plastic crap in the truck, which Brooke said she'd even help put on there for them, and why would we pay extra for a second trip for them to move my bike and shovels?? I could move that with a van for one, and more importantly these guys were not listening because they knew very well that I have mentioned "the rest of my stuff" to include ALL of it, especially the deck things because it was sandy I had mentioned; and clearly not things just inclusive of the most insignificant part of the yard. I would never have said that and did not.

After we brought the Christmas stuff up from the basement ourselves so they wouldn't have to charge us for an extra flight of stairs.. it culminates, verily, into the Movers actually just screaming and yelling at two girls ... and me LOSING MY SHIT completely. Before I was just being assertive but make no mistake LOSING MY SHIT was ugly and nasty.. so I am lucky for the fact I rarely ever lose it. If not for that you would see a bunch of news stories about how the Hulk is real and scared she shit out of children at Walmart when it tried to return something past 90 days!

You see with all their breaks they decide they've worked the 4 hours and just sat down and refused to pick another thing up, yet got "lost" and "sat and used a calculator" for far more time than it would have taken for them to throw this crap in the truck. 15 mins of getting nowhere and realizing they were literally just going to sit there and keep yelling and arguing with me and NOT move any of this shit that WON'T fit in a van, I tell the guy who says he wants to leave that I also wish he would leave because all I want is my stuff on the truck! It is why we got movers! Then I tell them to get the fuck over to the other house without this shit then, thanks a fucking lot, and see Sean about it, and then I believe I called two perfect strangers pieces of shit and almost hurled my iPhone at them. Yep.. it went there. That happened.

Oh and I'm really "glad" nobody got hurt.

Sean, somehow, was completely calm after we overpaid them at least $200 of "extra fees" which never happened last time and didn't add up the way I added it, and had a bunch of stuff still left at the house unmoved.. the yin to my yang as the saying goes! We should probably all be very glad for that because the universe pretty much couldn't handle us both losing our shit. It took me a good 30-45mins to calm down, Brooke and I went to get some paint and beers and that was

the end!

Thursday, September 3

It will be OK. I have buns, everyone.

im starving
i just realized i havent had dinner

its 11pm lady!
why aren't you taking care of yourself

LOL i got home at like 730 and sat down with the computer and havent moved. lol

i ought to italian grandmother you about this!

LOL yeah make me some food!

hahaha coming! i have buns!

Just a reminder not all my conversations are reflective of my last post. If not for you, for me. I'm just surrounded by a complex tapestry of crazy. Other than all the swearing I type up, I'm pretty normal... I bought two kinds of cinnmon buns today. Nobody crazy has that kind of foresight, right? I'm pretty pleased with myself for including the word tapestry by the way.

Looking forward to my day off tomorrow, and possible long weekend activities like the CNE.. Ribfest etc. Hopefully it's not a thousand degrees outside like last year. It kind of takes the fun out of things when you're, yanno, dying.

Wednesday, September 2


It seems my blog took a little nap while I've been busy this past week, so if you would permit me I'll just blur through the details of us having bought a house and moved 5 days ago, but will add that yes it had mostly to do with our wondeful neighbours .

Given that whomever of you that have been keeping tabs on this blog have, by now, been associating the word Verily with abandonment and wishing hateful shit upon me I'll post a quote from my mother who phoned me yesterday.

"Hey you'll never guess who I saw on the bus today! Remember that guy who kidnapped us when you were 9 and drove us to the states (to a nudist colony, actually) and left us there? He drives a bus now!"

Yes I'm regularly confused whenever I talk to her, thanks for asking. You have no idea how to respond to someone who acts like it's a good thing someone is still talking to them considering the last time they spoke she called the police on him for taking pictures of other people's kids. That's... good? I was almost poisoned by the cinnimon buns she sent over, but that's really my fault. I should know by now nothing she makes ever tastes the way it's supposed to taste.

If that wasn't enough of an update I'll just mention next time I will tell you all the story of how I almost threw my iPhone at the movers, and the morning in the new house I was enjoying nature until nature slammed itself agaist my wall of windows and probably killed itself. I'll never know because nature scared the shit out of me and then hopped away when I tried to save it.
Free Blog Template by June Lily