Monday, May 31

Trending Today

Well my weekend was great! Did some swimming, had lunch at the restaurant, scored some free Adirondack chairs that just needed some paint, sat out on the patio with my new lantern and drinks with Brooke, saw the stars, read more of my book etc. All good things.

I also have a pretty crazy burn but thanks to the lotion I rely on every year to get me out of situations like these, I'm doing fine and it's looking pretty tan today. They better still make it because I have to finally buy another for the cottage. Also to be noted, Sean and I had some kind of competition to see if we could look like we just got back from Costa Rica. He had a head start on me from last weekend but wanted to kill his farmers tan and then embroiled himself in a competition with me and my Italian blood for the rights to TANNEST in the house. That means I ended up burned and he ended up with fucking heat stroke. It's not even the first time! In any case I think we accomplished the goal of looking like the average idiot couple who traveled to Costa Rica with Pam cooking spray instead of sun screen and spent too long drinking at the swim up bar. Think of all the money we saved!

So I had this idea today while I was out at playgroup with a bunch of "moms" and we were in our various "momversations" .. I thought, you know, there should be a kind of moms only trending topics like on twitter. I am pretty sure moms everywhere have our same conversations so if you'll allow me I'll give you my very own Monday Mo'nin Mom trending topics.

What's happening right now:


I put hairstyles at number one because one lady, who is always really put together, actually complimented my total 'bedhead in a hair clip' that was going on this morning and asked me how I did it. Seriously!! For a minute I thought my sarcasm detector was broken but then I realized she really meant that. If the just woke up hair is IN now I am so going to look awesome everyday. Please let that happen!

Friday, May 28

I vote badger cat

You guys..  I saw a groundhog today.  In my backyard.  Note that due to my window wall that is ground level it literally looked like the groundhog and I were having tea. 

I have never seen a groundhog before.. probably due to them all being picky about when they come out of various places and pissing off Bill Murray (or so Groundhog Day has led me to believe) but you guys.. they are HUGE!!  At first I had no idea what I was looking at.  The worlds largest gopher ever?  A beaver, without a tail?  A badger that had mutated into not looking like a badger at all other than being fucking huge?  I had no idea. 

Snow White did not have Groundhogs

Surprisingly large, you guys.. keep in mind the only things I ever see at my window are birds, chipmunks, squirrels and curious cats. My kitchen is like Snow White's singing, people.

On the bright side, living in a fishbowl of 'nature' is pretty nice for things like hanging in the backyard on the weekend drinking milkshakes or pink lemonade.  I even started my book.  Can't wait to continue it this weekend.. maybe with some BBQ.  Have fun everyone!

Wednesday, May 26

I won't tell you that I love you kiss or hug you

UMMM this Poker Face duet with Idina Menzel is the best thing to ever come out of Glee.. I knew I was watching for a reason, this was it!! I love it I love it I love it! I endured that horrible Madonna and paraplegic duet for this, ok?.. worth it.

Tuesday, May 25

I second this!

Dear LOST..

UPDATE: My friend Kim sent me this link that addresses some of the explanations. Only fair!  Though it raises a few more and solidifies that storytellers really shouldn't include time-travel and alternate time-lines and universes if they aren't going to "go into it".  Just sayin' .. I am the kid working the clown-com at Krusty Burger who needs closure on that anecdote.

Friday, May 21

Cupcakes give me hope

UPDATE:  23 Awesome Food Ideas For Your LOST Finale Party (link)

It's like someone read my mind.  5 of those just made my party food list, and my life
  1. We were brought here for a reason(able amount of wine)
  2. "Die, Kate, You're Useless" Porcini Mushrooms
  3. Don't tell me what I can't fondue

 If we're still hungry? 
4. Shannon and Boone Totally Did Eachother: The Sandwich
5. She Probably Blew Him, Too: The Bag of Chips


Anyone want me to throw a Lost party on Sunday just to make Pink Lemonade Cupcakes?  I happen to enjoy more creamy, chocolate cupcakes.. but I have some thoughts on that too.  Throw in some enchiladas and coconut rum and I think we could have a fantastic finale.

That reminds me.. I stumbled upon this website based on FMyLife called LGMH (Love Gives Me Hope) and as I'm reading all I could think was "what the fuck is this shit? that's insane!  there is no way that ever happened."  It says it's an FML for optimists but what I think they mean is dirty little liars.  Ok so your best friend was on their way to bring you soup and died in a car crash, but they found flowers asking you to marry them.  REALLY?  That gives you hope??  Wow if a love like that existed and then was sucked out of my life before I ever got to experience it, I would have tonnes of hope!  Especially since I was literally the reason they were killed.  I don't think I'm a pessimist here when I say that entire site can suck my .. lemonade cupcakes.

Thursday, May 20

The Dog and the Diaper

Today was the hottest day ever.  I prepared myself and the kiddos for heat, sure, but not 35 degree sunshine!  Needless to say at the end of a very long day everyone was cranky, and I still had dinner with my grandparents to go to on the eve of their trip to Italy tomorrow. 

It is a much needed break is all I'll say and I am sure, somehow, I will be glad when they return after a month.  If you ask my grandmother though she is fairly certain they will die in a firey plane crash and/or suffer simultaneous heart attacks before they return home; thus being their LAST TRIP EVER.  I am not sure why there has to be a negative connotation to it but I can't make a habit of trying to understand these things.   If you knew her this would be much funnier... if you don't then it's slightly depressing.

ONWARD.. or rather backward to my original train of thought.. it was a really stinking hot day.  So there we are at the park, me rubbing sweat out of my eyes on a picnic blanket full of treats and hydrating liquids.  Our park is not a dog park but many people take their pups here and unleash them, not exactly the law but whatever, people do it, and this one soaking wet golden retriever comes running out of the trails and sniffing a diaper.  Not just any diaper but a poo diaper.. which has been fermenting for a while in the heat since the wearer did not want her mother to change her.  So the diaper is sitting there by us where she's being changed when I see this dog come and ..yep.. try to eat it.  I freak out to try and stop the dog in the only dog language I know; loud clapping.  It stops but the owner I see coming after the dog looks a little distressed that I did that.  So the owner, who I will call Mr. DoesNothing, comes closer to us and tries to tell us the dog is very friendly and won't bite and encourages the kids to pet him.  I am not sure what to do in this situation so I just mention that the dog was about to eat a diaper, and Mr. DoesNothing just shrugs as if to say.. that's life.  Well OK then!  The diaper gets wrapped up after a few more tries from the dog to eat it and instead of Mr. DoesNothing actually leashing his dog back up or luring it away from a shitty diaper, he lives up to his name and does nothing.  You see where this is going don't you?  This dog grabbed the most foul smelling poo diaper and RAN AWAY with it.. off into the field where it laid waste to it, thrashing it around like a scene from Jaws.  The only adults in this situation, me, my friend and Mr. DoesNothing are watching this.. me about to puke, my friend completely shocked and Mr. DoesNothing as casual as ever.  He calls for the dog a bunch but clearly he's having way too much fun.  Just the kind of dog I want the kids to pet, by the way.. a dog with a listening problem.

Is that the end?  NO.  The dog runs back for more, and Mr. DoesNothing eventually leashes him after 1. staring at us creepily 2. watching the dog almost steal 2 blankets and 3. shook all the (what I hope was just water) off on us

Ugh.  This event has filled my 'disgusting' quotient for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, May 18

Technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.

Holy shiz, guys.  My world is imploding.  The last Lost episode before the 2 1/2 hour finale is on tonight.  I can't even deal with it!

Note: This doesn't mean I want the show to continue because I don't.  It needs to end. 
I just have a hard time letting go OKAY?

That reminds me.. if you haven't seen an episode of Better off Ted then you really should.  Portia De Rossi is hilarious in it.  It's like a teeny tiny reminder of how awesome Arrested Development was, which was a lot.  I don't know what possessed me to start watching it but it's really funny.  Sure this entire post is about stuff to watch on TV, and therefore second-hand entertaining, but I thought I'd add a little bright spot to the IMMINENT DEATH COUNT of one of my favourite shows.

"there's really no middle ground with you. either you don't care at all or you care a hundred and crazy percent"

Monday, May 17

Fox wood

Well, I don't know about everyone else but I've had a very expensive weekend! It's not normally in me to do that so it should be noted, along with the fact it was also very fun... and it was seriously needed. Friday I went out to dinner with my cousins which always brightens my spirits. We need to do that more. Greatest laugh of the night for me was a split between making fun of a certain family member on facebook and their tween-angst dramatica status updates - and Maria mistaking the word faux (as in the faux wood blinds we were discussing) to be pronounced fox. Fox wood blinds. Then we laughed at the fact she's been saying that to people for years!

Anyhow that wasn't the expensive part of the weekend.. Saturday afternoon my new friend Kim and I did some serious kid-less and recklessly fun shopping. It was a good "bad influence" on me. When you start off in the Coach store and the wallet you want is $200... everything else seems pretty reasonable in pricing. My favourite phrase of the day was "that's not that bad..."

So I ended up buying a MAC eyeshadow, about $255 in Lululemon (finally got groove pants!) and a sweet Bench "father's day" sweater for Sean that he thinks is way too expensive to keep. Better than MY buying the sweet Bench sweater I wanted because there's no way in hell I'd ever return it. I already bought the crazy awesome run:energy pullover from Lulu so I couldn't resolve that one in my mind, thus why Sean and I shopping together keeps us in the green, we have the same reluctant to purchase sickness. Still thinking about that one.... I call her, Purple Princess. Also need to do that more but maybe stick to like 4 times a year.

Then yesterday instead of spending it at the Museum with the dinosaurs, we figure they'd still be there on a day that wasn't so nice out. So we bought a patio set! I think the May 2-4 long weekend needs to involve a BBQ. It's also good to know the only way we could spend more money next weekend than this one is if we BBQ some endangered species meat. And seriously, where would you even find Panda steaks at this time of year?

Friday, May 14

Front row to the horror show

I had an epically strange dream last night so I thought I'd share. From time to time I have some bloodcurdling nightmares, this thankfully wasn't one of those. For most people though, what would be anyone's nightmare, it was as if Tim Burton literally directed my dream. Not just that it was exceptionally creepy and grimey but it was actually like a film. I've had one Time Burton-ish dream before but only from the aspect that it resembled the scene from Corpse Bride where she appears in the woods.

Creepyyyyy, yes. But even that was not really a nightmare for me, more like an 'information' dream where people try and tell you a lot of things you try and remember for when you wake up.

The one last night was more like Coraline, it was bright and dark, involved lots of characters and make-up. Very welcoming but harboring creepy undertones.

The plot line was tremendously long so I'll just gloss over most of it. At first I had a 'normal' dream, then a dream about waking up to that dream and telling Sean about it, then a dream about falling asleep after that and dreaming something else. But I never woke up the entire time. At least... I am pretty sure, it's so hard to tell with these things.

I was actually having a nice time. I was there with some childhood friends, in this big house, and I met with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. We all talked and had drinks outside, laughed, everything was lit up. I went to go running the next day, got in somewhat of an argument with someone, went home and showered. That person came to see me to talk while I was still in the bathroom getting ready, putting on some shiny green eyeshadow.. my hair was blonde again.. long.

Then it all got very dark.

Someone came there to kill me, and they had a good reason to be mad. I had done something to them and they wanted revenge. They brought either zombies or vampires. I knew I didn't have a chance and all my friends who warned me to get out, as soon as I left, were all burned alive and became undead. I ran and ran outside in the dark, knowing they'd find me.. I hid behind a bush just waiting for them. I wondered, as they found me, that I would give up if my friend wanted me to so I could be undead with them. Then I woke up.

I was not afraid, or upset when I woke up, but it's memorable based on the imagery being so unique and interesting. Doesn't that always happen in life, too? We forget the details almost immediately, but the images that interest us never go very far.

Monday, May 10

Sparkle Babies

AHello.  I hope all your mothers had a great day of you remembering you love them.  Here's a tip, call your mother AGAIN today, the day after Mother's Day.  Just to say hi and I love you.  She'll be super surprised.

I had a fun Mothers Night (aka date night) watching Iron Man 2.. eating way too much popcorn and spoiling our meal later.  We did a little walking in the blistering wind to get some coffee and a cupcake at Indigo.  I plan on replicating that cupcake later and reading the book I bought there, Still Alice.  While buying a book about Alzheimer's for Mother's Day might be an odd choice to some, I am personally enthusiastic to read it. And when I get really old and actually have Alzheimer's I can enjoy it again for the second time!  Oh hey, perhaps I can make my kids read it to me in the home, a la The Notebook and totally mess them up forever.

Kidding, obviously!  What's Mother's Day if you can't joke about getting Alzheimer's.

Actual Mothers Day, in case anyone was interested, I just made some Strawberry Vanilla pancakes and didn't do anything in particular but hang out around the house together.  The pancakes were good but I did get a complaint since the strawberry was actually cooked into it.. and the rest of the day were more or less a series of equally world ending events.  I'll just add this is due to the cold that has made someone in my house rightfully MISERABLE but I get to enjoy loving these boogers everyday so that's my real gift.  Plus the wine store was totally closed!  I bought chocolate :)

And, as I leave you, let me post a completely inappropriate video that I really really shouldn't have laughed at but totally did. Warning: involves talk of vagina and glitter.

Gets good at the 38sec mark.  Again.. I am so, so sorry about this.  What can I say, they had me at Yay-bia. 

Wednesday, May 5

Happy CINCO!

Hilarious in it's B-Movie trailer badness! Added bonus, Lupidis from Lost is in it.. Don Johnson and the tag line is "they just fucked with the wrong Mexican"

Love it.

Downside? Jessica Alba can't even pull off "deliberately bad" when it's supposed to be entertaining. Sad. What can she do?

Sunday, May 2

Daisy Fuentes, this isn't about you

So, holy crap I haven't updated since Wednesday. That's kind of annoying. My day of exclaiming things I was going to do wasn't even a real update anyway. FYI.. I did in fact do basically all of them except for number one; giving Daisy Fuentes directions on where my foot is going to go if she keeps rudely telling me I can't do any poses right. In this situation the destination is in her eye. Nobody likes a foot to the eye so here's to Daisy coming to her senses and not being a total bitch.

This week I've been so busy I haven't even realized it. I've gone through every tiny piece of kids clothing either in washing it, drying it, folding it, sorting it into sizes too small or too big and bundling it up to donate. We've also been to the park about 3 days out of the week and I have a rather interesting burn on my face and chest. I can't let this sentence go on without mentioning something my grandmother said to me that really shouldn't bother me in the slightest but, of course, does. In the "where do you get off.." category of life: my packing only snacks for a 1 hour trip to our local park and NOT a big lunch spread (that I will have to haul back home since nobody will eat it, but, likely will forget in the buggy and then will need to throw away later when I find it). My failure to pack a giant picnic wherever I go made her utter the sentence to me that she guesses she still has to teach me how to live. To live. I know my grandmother isn't "a-so good" with use of the English language and how she implies lots and lots of things without meaning to but I didn't see how else I could interpret that statement. Teach me how to get ready for an hour at the park? Without going into specifics here of how any experience involving my grandmother I've ever had has been emotionally draining, confusingly random and angry, embarrassing, guilt ridden, outright childish and manipulative.. what I really want to say about telling me I have no idea about life because of a picnic is something like.. I dunno.. fuck off? Yes. Fuck off is what I felt like.

I think I do JUST FINE.

I actually swallowed rage on that one, which is new for me.. it felt kinda like clearing your throat plus a stroke. If she just stopped trying to convince everyone every mistake she makes isn't actually a mistake (like not mixing baby formula with the right ratio of water, or giving a kid with a peanut allergy pistachio ice cream is OK because it's not really peanuts is it?) and every mistake YOU make means you have serious mental problems - and and and EVERYTHING THAT EVER GOES WRONG is because someone is mad at her.. then we just might get along more.

Ugh, Daisy Fuentes.. it's not your fault.. I'm going through some stuff right now. I bought a new yoga mat, wanna see it?
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