Wednesday, June 30


I had a dream last night that involved me being on stage at an Erika Badu concert, sitting at a piano in front of her as she was performing with my laptop and taking a picture behind me of the huge crowd with my photobooth.  Not sure if I was playing the piano or just sitting at it by the way.  Someone in the crowd close to the front went on about how they thought it was so stupid I was taking a picture of myself, so I turned around to show them, and they acted like they were super surprised I could hear them.  I think we were in Vancouver maybe because there were huge ski mountains in the background of my picture.  Afterward I saw my Dad and told him about it and he was upset he wasn't there since he is a HUGE Erika Badu fan (not really).  Then I took my cousins back to the chalet I was staying at because I had an outdoor hot tub .. it was pretty fun but the bummer was I realized I had two fake legs and they fell in.

And this is the only dream I can remember for a month or so, so I take this as a good sign.  Guess I really am starting to feel better!

Monday, June 28

Well this is.. something

We were watching the movie Brooklyn's Finest the other night and even though everyone was super sleepy (note: so not the movie to watch when you're tired) there were a few scenes that are pretty attention grabbing. One of those, for me, was the scene where Wesley Snipes' character is overseeing the beating of this guy who everyone thinks is a snitch or whatever; these two guys who are beating him dangled him over the side of the building screaming, yanno, to get "info". It wasn't like there was a field of knives and zombies waiting for him below but it was a lot more frightening than it should have been because I had just remembered I have actually been in that situation before. I wish it was because I was in some kind of gun running gang of thugs, as badass as that would be for my street cred*, but unfortunately I was just a kid at the time and I have no idea what the reason was. My mom and step-dad were very young while raising me so this is the kind of stuff they got creative with as far as punishment went. It's funny how you kind of completely forget about stuff like that and then you're all.. oh yeah... I totally was dangled from a 6th floor balcony once. Or maybe that's me. I mean that's probably the case but not really part of my point.

There is a logical direction in which things seem like they should affect you, but surprisingly I am not afraid of heights whatsoever (I love roller coasters) nor am I harboring some fear of people being on a balcony with me. I should also mention I don't hate my parents! haha that's maybe a major one. But I realize sometimes those things don't take the direct route you think they would.

That thought leads me to confessing I have had a really heavy heart lately.

The exact reason, I guess being the moment I got very sad, was when my best friend told me she is moving to Savannah, Georgia a year from now. She is getting married and starting a life there and that means I will be traveling there which is just all new things for me to process at the moment, even though I am on board. She's my best friend so there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't be on board with that she wants in her life. I've already had one of my best friends move across the country and I was the one who supported her and told her she should go for it when she was doubtful about herself, but I did not know she'd never be coming back when I said that. Live life, yanno? I ask myself how can that be bad. I'm not attempting to be passive-aggressive about it since I know she or both of them may read this; I am sad for me but very happy for her.. it means she met someone wonderful which in my opinion she deserves more than anything. Heavy hearts are single-minded though, as much as we remind them not to be. I would not want anyone to change their plans. To reference my favourite John Mayer song.. I don't want to stop the train exactly, I just want to get off and go home. The thing I want to really stop, is myself.

This heaviness isn't even entirely built upon her impending departure, or any single event, but more the trends in my friendships have come up when I was recently reminiscing with someone about them. Put all together at once like that, as light-hearted as it was intended, has made me acknowledge a few things about myself when this came up that I assumed were resolved. There was no traumatic situation in my life where someone had abandoned me, I mean really, my parents didn't die in a horrible car accident leaving me to be raised in an Oliver Twist orphanage where I only owned various depressing shades of grey clothing and sang sad songs. Yet the result was about the same as if that had happened.

Anytime a relationship ended in my life I was nearly always the person who ended it, and if not I acted poorly .. like a child without rules, begging for them.. to cause it to end (because of course it would have eventually so why not control when someone leaves you?) and the feeling was no different than if it were me who was left instead in both cases. A friend passed away and I could only feel anger for a long time, as if they also left me.. as if they had a choice, if not purposely to get away from me but that I was at least guilty of wasting their short time living by even being bothered with me. Maybe even if I had been a better person they wouldn't have died.. yes, I really thought this. Then of course I'd feel guilty for even thinking such clearly insane stuff. You can see why I feel like maybe there should be some kind of event direct enough to explain, like being dangled from a building, things that I felt were resolved until now.. and at this point in my life I can admit belong to me even though they don't sound like me. I tend to have extremely long friendships as well.. and while it makes total sense why some have ended, having physically or emotionally 'moved away' .. not everything you feel makes sense all the time. I find that fact of life just fantastic by the way! but the darker moments are meant to teach us something, everything moves in cycles, so I look forward to a happy moment coming up soon to appreciate.

This is just one of those times and I thought sharing could begin to make me feel better. I've also been a lot more physically active on my own as opposed to usually preferring to work out with someone else and I find I'm starting to need it - enjoying the 'now' - it's a habit I wouldn't mind if I kept.

*I have absolutely no street cred and never will

Friday, June 25

There has been a few instances lately that have caused me to think a little bit about friendships in my life.  While the specific mentions of them were all very much light hearted and in fun, I do find thinking of it all at once like that has made my heart a bit too heavy for me to manage at the moment.   Like leaving all the windows in the house open on a hot night, then it rained, and you notice the next day everything has a little damp feeling to it.  Kinda gross but not much you can do about it.

I have some extremely long friendships and I like that about my life.  I mean I've actually laughed at the scene in I Love You Man when he's leaving a message on an answering machine because that's exactly what happens to me.  It's insane, ok, I turn into an insane person.  Luckily everyone I know finds that perfectly acceptable of me so it's not really a problem.

I have had friends who are no longer my friends, and it's always made sense when we were no longer friends anymore.  Or whittled down the bulk of the friendship to best wishes and keep in touch's.  I've had one of my best friends pick up and move across the country, and it's made sense why she's not coming back.  Her experience led her to a really great guy for her and I wouldn't change it just to have her close by.  I've on the other hand had a very good friend of mine who is no longer my friend because she's gone, I would change that but I accept why I can't and therefore it makes sense.  Now another one of my best friends has come home from another country and is planning on moving there within a years time.  I couldn't possibly be too upset about that since she's very happy and my point is all of these situations aren't really about me.  I've learned that by the simple fact many of my friendships have been extremely long ones.  It's benefited me quite a lot by that but nonetheless this seems like a point where as much as it all makes sense, I'm quite sad.  By all of it.

Thursday, June 24

How to be Nice

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much." Veronica A. Shoffstall

I'm in the process of fixing up all my grandparents pictures of their trip to Italy and ordering a picture book for my grandmother's birthday next Sunday.  I thought that would be a nice gift.  Then again, I thought it would be nice to clean and deliver my grandparent's van to their house when they got back and learned that only meant I did not want to see them.  Of course.. I don't know what else it could have possibly meant.  The only bright spot in being accused of being an inconsiderate asshole all the time is my grandmother has the most hilarious "Dr. Phil-isms" she uses for stuff like that.  Like when she called and my phone was on vibrate so I didn't hear it she told me something is cookin'  .. what does that even mean?  you ask.  I have no idea either, but isn't it cute that she thinks that made sense?!

Here is where I would tell you I missed that if I actually did.

So glad I get to end off this busy week with spending time with 3 of my cousins for the day by the pool and some of Maria's comically gigantic wine glasses.  Little preview to the cottage is sooo exactly what I need :)

Monday, June 21

Summer is Official

There are two requirements that I have to declaring it officially summer which have nothing to do with the calendar date which told me it was summer yesterday.

  1. when Wes announces his birthday plans and
  2. when the attention whores on facebook change their profile pics them in a bikini and wait around for everyone to comment on it.

    It's been an HOUR! would somebody please tell me I'm pretty?

i'll holla with bday plans when i know whats up
will be a shit show nonetheless
can't wait :):)
no hookers though this year
i'll make you a fries sandwich birthday cake
oh really why?
thats wicked
the aids epidemic of 09
that's pretty responsible
im sure we'll have a good time without them!
haha i hope!

If you're a resident and/or commuter to Toronto this week is obviously going to be super interesting due to the G20 Summit. The hype at this point has made my predictions twofold: by weeks end either Toronto will be a literal smoking hole in the ground OR most extremist protest groups will up their game by turning themselves into zombies. Zombie warfare just can't be ignored! Think about that. Or, you know, nothing will happen and we'll be stuck with a stupid looking steel shrine to the Berlin wall all over the city.

Answer from yesterday: the German

Sunday, June 20

Blue Green Red Yellow White

Einstein’s Intelligence Quiz

Einstein wrote this quiz last century. He said that 98% of the people in the world cannot solve the quiz.

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. These 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar or drink the same drink.
Here’s the question: Who owns the fish?
  1. The Brit lives in a red house
  2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets
  3. The Dane drinks tea
  4. The green house is on the left of the white house
  5. The green house owner drinks coffee
  6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds
  7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill
  8. The man living in the house right in the middle drinks milk
  9. The Norwegian lives in the first house
  10. The man who smokes Blend lives next door to the one who keeps cats.
  11. The man who keeps horses lives next door to the man who smokes Dunhill
  12. The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer
  13. The German smokes Prince
  14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house
  15. The man who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water
With these 15 clues the problem is solvable.

And here's a random picture of the Beer Baron while I was driving. It made me laugh.

Thursday, June 17


I have been trying to get a video of Gabe rolling ever since he started weeks ago but usually he is tired by the time I get my phone out or it's night time.. or both! I ended up recording this today since my friend Andrea had mentioned she wished she could see him but flights were really expensive right now. So here he is! Tired, but rolling awesome now :)

Wednesday, June 16

Couldn't help myself

I interrupt your dinner with.. SURPRISED KITTY

weekend pictures

So Friday was great and yes we spent 2 hours at the spa and yes I wanted a nap when we were finished (and yes.. I'll admit the massage was so good I almost didn't care at all where the masseuse's hands were which were dangerously close to making sure if my boobs were real or not.  I was that care-free).

After that we had tea and desserts in their big spa pool area with all these pillows everywhere.  I think that was my favourite part of the weekend until we got to our room where there were tonnes of strawberries covered in chocolate and chilled champagne waiting for us.  Then the lines started getting blurry of what was my favourite part exactly.  Dinner was fantastic, my shoes hated me, and then we went to a little movie theater. 

in case we wanted to literally stay forever

balcony i'm not sure i should have had champagne on


The next day was fun too but the rain and our bags made us grab an earlier train back home after dinner.  We drank a bunch of long island iced tea, bikini-tini's and gin and lemonade.. and I almost threw up for the first time in quite some time.  Mixing drinks is awful and I felt like I should have known that?  Ann the Tank is crying right now, wherever she is. 

I finished my book on Sunday which I was excited about having not done so in nearly a year.   While it wasn't the ending I was hoping for, I still liked the book a lot.  Alice's struggle with memory is so incredible.. I won't ruin anything (though you'd imagine I'd love to) but if anyone has read it please let me know your take on the ending.  Were you also a little distraught about it or do you think maybe that was the point of the book?   I was also a little annoyed at the undertones of elitism in the book, as if somehow the fact she was a really really smart person made it more tragic?  That's a simplified explanation and I don't know if that was intentional so if anyone else also noticed that just hit the comment button. 

Monday, June 14


My weekend was awesome.  Not that we're in a competition here but if we were I am sure nomatter what you did I wouldn't trade you.  I mean, my Friday started with champagne in a bathrobe because I was so oily from my 2 hour massage and facial.  But I can always go into the weekend another time, it's only Monday.  No, today I'm posting a great idea for a Father's Day gift if you have a rather generous Dad.

Donate $20 his name to Charity Water: giving one person clean water for 20 years.  They give you a neat e-card and everything.  And with this charity you can be assured 100% of your money goes to their freshwater projects which you can check out a breakdown of the money soon on the site.  I know my Dad would like the idea (along with some dinner of course) so I encourage all of you to consider donating for your next occasion!

Wednesday, June 9

I'm easy come easy go

You know that feeling when you have a huge tumbler of coffee and you're taking your first sip in the morning (or afternoon) that you really need but you are doing so slowly to avoid burning yourself?  And then after your best efforts considering how bad you want coffee of carefully trying to take a sip, too much coffee comes out anyway and burns your top lip?

That is what Wednesdays mean to me.

I hope you're all having a fabulous day though.. and in case anyone was curious due to one of my Glee posts.. no I was not moved to tears at the finale.  I didn't find it to be a good episode whatsoever so I'm really hoping next year they can do a little better/less cheesy.  The only highlight I'd say was the Bohemian Rhapsody was pretty cool, minus the "live birth" mashup.  I think what I liked the most about the whole thing ended up being .. well Sue Silvester of course.. and a few of the guest stars.  I'm not Glee bashing just thought I'd add my 2 cents to what was probably the worst finale ever.  I can't believe I traded Sean 2 episodes of Curb your Enthusiasm for it.  Not cool!

On top of it all my newest annoyance is how I can't read any gossip blog for more than 20 seconds without running into something about the super freckled Lindsay Lohan and her "problems".  Oh dear, did you drive around like a maniac with cocaine in your pocket, crashed the car and aren't in jail?  Then you didn't bother to go to alcohol CLASSES to stay out of jail because there was a sale on somewhere and you still aren't in jail?  Then you drank anyway while wearing an alcohol monitoring system and the world is out to get you.. but aren't in jail yet?  Whatever you say!!  As someone who has actually been inside a jail, I think you're a piece of shit that I'd like to see in jail for a really long time.. if just so I can stop reading about your hard life.   You belong there.  I have no idea why she was even famous to begin with, I didn't even watch Mean Girls!! 

2 more days till vacation weekend and Lindsay Lohan, you are not invited!  Internet in the hotel, be damned. 

Friday, June 4


I got a postcard in the mail today from my Grandma. Before I go into that I'd like to point out that I am absolutely astonished at the postal system for their ability to even deliver this to my house. I am not going to make light of the fact my grandparents a little undereducated (even though they can't work a cell phone, dvd player or debit card) I fully understand it was a different time and schooling was optional AND I love that my Grandma tried her best to send me something - but I am giving some serious props to the post office for delivering something that

1. our last name, our city and our street are all misspelled

2. has NO postal code on it at all
3. the house number is about 200 houses off
4. added 'avenue' to the address for some reason, just to confuse them further?

It's a fucking miracle, because all she got right was CANADA and one first name.

Valdango - City Center

That said.. this morning the postcard made me really miss the summer I spent there. Valdagno is the city where my family is from, it's a nice little valley and it's fairly close to other very popular cities. When I was there I got a few postcards from friends back home I'd make sure to save and read while tanning at the pool and it was basically like gold to me.. so it just reminds me there were a hundred little things like that, private moments for myself. To be fair though, at 16 every moment is a private moment you're living in some fantasy land; all I spent my time doing was reading, listening to songs on repeat, daydreaming and journal keeping. When you think about it I basically lived on the moon; add a bunch of people who don't speak English, historic cities/buildings and crazy foods and it's a perfect storm of best summer ever. It didn't help that when I was there people would do the strangest stuff for me like heat up my milk for my coco krispies every morning or buy me tiny bottles of Coke, too. The moon, I tell you!

Maybe I miss the few private moments to myself since those are pretty rare.. so I'm glad to be going away next weekend. Not to the moon or anything but, figuratively speaking, maybe like Salt Lake City? Haha. Hey, they have a really cool breakfast diner there I want to eat at someday. Just saying!

Tuesday, June 1

Breaks easily

Well it only took 10 days from departure to now for my Grandmother to call me to frantically ask if everything was alright. Not just, oh hey, missed you guys, and by the way is everything over there ok? but the reason I am calling is to make sure someone hasn't died horribly in the last 10 days... going from immediate family members and branching out to what I can only assume is the paper delivery boy and all of his friends. I assured her everyone is completely the same as when she left and then she immediately needed me to call and make sure her house was still standing, because that had to be it! Or the car next, is the car working? Of course the real problem with her being so anxiety ridden is that logic dictates that what she is assuming is that if something had gone terribly wrong I wouldn't tell her if she asked me, and get her to play a guessing game until I finally admit whatever it is. You got me! This is actually a clever recording, I'm dead. It bums me out that she is in another country and doesn't seem to be enjoying her vacation all that much.

Homer: Now, here's my everything's okay alarm!
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: (Shouting) This will sound--
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: --every three seconds--
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: --unless something isn't okay!
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Marge: (Shouting) Turn that off, Homer!
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: (Shouting) It can't be turned off!
(Alarm beeps loudly, then weakly and dies.)
Homer: But it, uh, does break easily.

By the way I killed a horrible evil Jumping Spider in the house yesterday - we won't even talk about the umbrella I broke while doing so. Carelessly. Instead I'll just tell you in the end I was so terrified of this thing I actually let it live in the bathroom a full week before it made its way to the door frame of the baby's room (I had strategically closed all the doors so this wouldn't happen but that door is a little stuck) and decided I needed to vanquish it and reclaim my life/make sure the spider doesn't bite the baby and kill him. And pee in peace again. I am arachnophobic, and if you aren't let me explain the fear of this spider was two-fold.

  1. It was black, fuzzy and looked fairly meaty. That means squishing it with a kleenex is OUT of the question. I don't possess the gumption or timing to do this effectively. In short.. the crunch/possible wriggling to escape and making it angry is so horrifying it would give me the heebee jeebees. Like running over a squirrel with your car.
  2. It looked as if it knew I was afraid and actually wanted to take me on. Sure, a spider 1/1 millionth my size lunging at me 300 style seems hilariously non-threatening but I honestly stood there with my backup plan - a shoe, ready to bat it out of the air. It was self-aware, I swear it was.

Ugh.. spiders, is there anything they do right??
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