Tuesday, June 1

Breaks easily

Well it only took 10 days from departure to now for my Grandmother to call me to frantically ask if everything was alright. Not just, oh hey, missed you guys, and by the way is everything over there ok? but the reason I am calling is to make sure someone hasn't died horribly in the last 10 days... going from immediate family members and branching out to what I can only assume is the paper delivery boy and all of his friends. I assured her everyone is completely the same as when she left and then she immediately needed me to call and make sure her house was still standing, because that had to be it! Or the car next, is the car working? Of course the real problem with her being so anxiety ridden is that logic dictates that what she is assuming is that if something had gone terribly wrong I wouldn't tell her if she asked me, and get her to play a guessing game until I finally admit whatever it is. You got me! This is actually a clever recording, I'm dead. It bums me out that she is in another country and doesn't seem to be enjoying her vacation all that much.

Homer: Now, here's my everything's okay alarm!
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: (Shouting) This will sound--
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: --every three seconds--
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: --unless something isn't okay!
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Marge: (Shouting) Turn that off, Homer!
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: (Shouting) It can't be turned off!
(Alarm beeps loudly, then weakly and dies.)
Homer: But it, uh, does break easily.

By the way I killed a horrible evil Jumping Spider in the house yesterday - we won't even talk about the umbrella I broke while doing so. Carelessly. Instead I'll just tell you in the end I was so terrified of this thing I actually let it live in the bathroom a full week before it made its way to the door frame of the baby's room (I had strategically closed all the doors so this wouldn't happen but that door is a little stuck) and decided I needed to vanquish it and reclaim my life/make sure the spider doesn't bite the baby and kill him. And pee in peace again. I am arachnophobic, and if you aren't let me explain the fear of this spider was two-fold.

  1. It was black, fuzzy and looked fairly meaty. That means squishing it with a kleenex is OUT of the question. I don't possess the gumption or timing to do this effectively. In short.. the crunch/possible wriggling to escape and making it angry is so horrifying it would give me the heebee jeebees. Like running over a squirrel with your car.
  2. It looked as if it knew I was afraid and actually wanted to take me on. Sure, a spider 1/1 millionth my size lunging at me 300 style seems hilariously non-threatening but I honestly stood there with my backup plan - a shoe, ready to bat it out of the air. It was self-aware, I swear it was.

Ugh.. spiders, is there anything they do right??

1 Comment:

Brooke said...

Ding dong the spider's dead! HOORAY! lol I never did see it when I was there so I'm going to have to take your word on its size and the fact that you said it bore its teeth at you! :P

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