Monday, June 28

Well this is.. something

We were watching the movie Brooklyn's Finest the other night and even though everyone was super sleepy (note: so not the movie to watch when you're tired) there were a few scenes that are pretty attention grabbing. One of those, for me, was the scene where Wesley Snipes' character is overseeing the beating of this guy who everyone thinks is a snitch or whatever; these two guys who are beating him dangled him over the side of the building screaming, yanno, to get "info". It wasn't like there was a field of knives and zombies waiting for him below but it was a lot more frightening than it should have been because I had just remembered I have actually been in that situation before. I wish it was because I was in some kind of gun running gang of thugs, as badass as that would be for my street cred*, but unfortunately I was just a kid at the time and I have no idea what the reason was. My mom and step-dad were very young while raising me so this is the kind of stuff they got creative with as far as punishment went. It's funny how you kind of completely forget about stuff like that and then you're all.. oh yeah... I totally was dangled from a 6th floor balcony once. Or maybe that's me. I mean that's probably the case but not really part of my point.

There is a logical direction in which things seem like they should affect you, but surprisingly I am not afraid of heights whatsoever (I love roller coasters) nor am I harboring some fear of people being on a balcony with me. I should also mention I don't hate my parents! haha that's maybe a major one. But I realize sometimes those things don't take the direct route you think they would.

That thought leads me to confessing I have had a really heavy heart lately.

The exact reason, I guess being the moment I got very sad, was when my best friend told me she is moving to Savannah, Georgia a year from now. She is getting married and starting a life there and that means I will be traveling there which is just all new things for me to process at the moment, even though I am on board. She's my best friend so there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't be on board with that she wants in her life. I've already had one of my best friends move across the country and I was the one who supported her and told her she should go for it when she was doubtful about herself, but I did not know she'd never be coming back when I said that. Live life, yanno? I ask myself how can that be bad. I'm not attempting to be passive-aggressive about it since I know she or both of them may read this; I am sad for me but very happy for her.. it means she met someone wonderful which in my opinion she deserves more than anything. Heavy hearts are single-minded though, as much as we remind them not to be. I would not want anyone to change their plans. To reference my favourite John Mayer song.. I don't want to stop the train exactly, I just want to get off and go home. The thing I want to really stop, is myself.

This heaviness isn't even entirely built upon her impending departure, or any single event, but more the trends in my friendships have come up when I was recently reminiscing with someone about them. Put all together at once like that, as light-hearted as it was intended, has made me acknowledge a few things about myself when this came up that I assumed were resolved. There was no traumatic situation in my life where someone had abandoned me, I mean really, my parents didn't die in a horrible car accident leaving me to be raised in an Oliver Twist orphanage where I only owned various depressing shades of grey clothing and sang sad songs. Yet the result was about the same as if that had happened.

Anytime a relationship ended in my life I was nearly always the person who ended it, and if not I acted poorly .. like a child without rules, begging for them.. to cause it to end (because of course it would have eventually so why not control when someone leaves you?) and the feeling was no different than if it were me who was left instead in both cases. A friend passed away and I could only feel anger for a long time, as if they also left me.. as if they had a choice, if not purposely to get away from me but that I was at least guilty of wasting their short time living by even being bothered with me. Maybe even if I had been a better person they wouldn't have died.. yes, I really thought this. Then of course I'd feel guilty for even thinking such clearly insane stuff. You can see why I feel like maybe there should be some kind of event direct enough to explain, like being dangled from a building, things that I felt were resolved until now.. and at this point in my life I can admit belong to me even though they don't sound like me. I tend to have extremely long friendships as well.. and while it makes total sense why some have ended, having physically or emotionally 'moved away' .. not everything you feel makes sense all the time. I find that fact of life just fantastic by the way! but the darker moments are meant to teach us something, everything moves in cycles, so I look forward to a happy moment coming up soon to appreciate.

This is just one of those times and I thought sharing could begin to make me feel better. I've also been a lot more physically active on my own as opposed to usually preferring to work out with someone else and I find I'm starting to need it - enjoying the 'now' - it's a habit I wouldn't mind if I kept.





*I have absolutely no street cred and never will

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