Friday, January 29

Just do it

On day 3 of not eating... I am deliriously hungry but the best nurse ever gave me some butterscotch pudding last night, which was awesome! however that is all I can report. Solid food, still NO DICE. Also I have no idea what I'd be doing with myself today or last night if not for hospital wi-fi. Update: and now Sean :)


Facebook, check.
Chat, check.
Streaming Nip/Tuck last night, check... and probably not the best idea actually.
Farmville, sadly, check.


So here's a couple little updates/anecdotes for you, since I've been here, while we all wait for Friday to be over. You so you can likely start your weekend and leave work, me so I can eat something and go home tomorrow.

First! My surgery went fine, although they weren't able to go in laparoscopically so I have a really cool scar now. And you can now refer to me as one ovary Ann. Like Lance Armstrong's one ball, I'm hoping this will somehow make me stronger, faster, better.
Second! I'm sharing a semi-private room with an elderly woman who was clearly having sex dreams last night. It was vocal. And it haunts my dreams.
Third! I find the way this hospital words things to be pretty funny. On the pre-op pamphlet "So you're having surgery" thing, they had numerous subjects underlined with explanations (i.e. visiting hours, what to eat the night before, where to park, what to bring with you) and being a nerd I actually read all of that stuff. Under smoking all it said was..

Smoking:
Stop smoking!

Just stop that. And across from my bed there is anti-bacterial gel on the wall with a big sign over it which has a picture of a hand and the sentence "JUST CLEAN YOUR HANDS" ! I love the directness. Not "clean your hands" but JUST CLEAN IT, OK? It reminds me of the MadTV skit with Bob Newhart.

Wednesday, January 27

Adventres in not eating

True story, I enjoy hospital food.  I love to have my nutrition to be completely out of my hands and specifically portioned out.  Like the single serving friend in Fight Club.  I did, however, finally run into a hospital dish I did not love recently.

Oatmeal.

How does oatmeal go wrong?  I can only describe it as not even oatmeal, it had to be gruel.  Yes, whatever it is they fed Oliver Twist, that is what they gave me.  Industrial grade oatmeal.  I still ate it anyway because, like I said, I trust others with my nutrition way more than myself or my taste buds.  Anyway, I'm having surgery tomorrow which means I have not eaten anything all day other than "clear foods" and I'd just like to announce that SUCKS, I'm irritable and I absolutely cannot stand Jello




I should have added that to my I Hate Candy list, though technically its a dessert.  It's not a fun food.. it's a weird texture non-food that makes me want to puke.  Part way through the day I came to the realization that surgery must be terrible for Vegans.  All you're allowed to eat (I say eat ironically here) for 24 hours is clear liquids and broth or Jello, like I said.  Obviously they can't have the broth, and as far as I know they aren't fans of Jello due to the contents of gelatin.  So it's just water, tea and ginger ale.  Just one more reason to come to your senses and eat meat again.

That, and it just tastes good.

Tuesday, January 26

I wonder, if anything could ever be this good again

This edition of Looks Like is entirely for Sean, who has been insisting I've missed this comparison for some time now. 






Entertainment Tonight's, Steven "CoJo" Cojocaru
VS
Foo Fighter, Dave Grohl
 





Special mention to the cross dressing drummer in the Everlong video. SCARY!!

Saturday, January 23

The only thing they like more than ham..



That's so funny, people totally stare at my circumstances all the time. Let me thank you again Jesus for the Jersey Shore. This isn't even a photo I made, this is his official twitter background!!!! @itsthesituation

I bet he caps the first two letters of a word for some awesome reason that I can't even think of, like every word he says is so fist pumpingly awesome that it beefed the second one up automatically.


And if it were a movie... they totally nailed Nick Lachey




I love it! Craig Ferguson finally said something funny.

Thursday, January 21

For my next trick

So, see my last post if you're confused. How did I get the number of the white house? No, I didn't google it because google did not exist. There was no internet (as I know it today) no computer, and I doubt Encarta 95' had that info for me. Side note: I loved Encarta. I'd sit for hours looking random shit up and reading about it... interactively! It's any wonder I enjoy abusing the internet so much.

Anyway, so how did I get the number then? I'll tell you. The Doctors Book of Home Remedies! Yes, I know, how weird! Where and why? Well grab your copy (old edition of course, this was mid 90s) and go to the index.


I know you just looked at the genital herpes, but no.. it's under forgetfulness and tips on how to remember things. I happen to look that page up hoping for some study tips and the white house number was an example of how to group numbers together in a way to recall a long phone number.

Ta-da!

I'm sure you could easily get the number for the whitehouse nowadays but isn't that a great story? For my next trick, let's all recall the first time we used the internet. ASL anyone? Hello? Bueller.. Bueller..

Wednesday, January 20

You Complete Me

Four main events have changed the course of my life, in hilariousness. One of them happened before I was born; the day after the telephone was invented. The first day everyone was really impressed with the the actual phone, but the day after they realized they could prank call each other. Being that there were only two phones at the time, it only got funnier in later years. The second thing that happened was in March/April of 1994. My entire birthday party of guests and I, having to wait for the DVD player to be hooked up for movies, decided to prank call the following:

  1. a shrimp place
  2. funny names
  3. the whitehouse
The latter of which being EPIC in hilariousness mainly due to the receptionist having a southern accent. If you'd like to know how I got the number for the whitehouse, as many many people have asked me over the years, I will tell you. Tomorrow.

The third occurred around 2003 with the discovery of IP relay, where someone has to say what you type NOMATTER WHAT and having conversations with random people on walkie talkies.

The fourth thing to happen was today! when I was pointed in the direction of PrankDial. The only question, who to call? Clearly.. Andrea, only she didn't pick up because she's an asshole. And probably also because she's the one who told me about prankdial lol. So I dialed Brooke, with the "what what in the butt" song, and made it look like it was her Mother calling her. When the recording was ready I could barely click on it I was so giddy. What resulted was me and Sean, laughing into tears, and me pronouncing this to be the best thing in life ever. My life is now more complete. It wouldn't be fair if I didn't

LET YOU LISTEN TO IT!

Now I have to wait a whole day to prankdial Wes with "I'm Black Y'all" .. and the anticipation is KILLING ME. Have fun with it guys :)

Sunday, January 17

let's not meet like this again, shall we?

I took Gabriel to his 1 month check up.. he's doing great, growing bigger, he even has a favourite liqueur.  Not really but time flies, I am sure he'll have one soon... and a girlfriend.  Pity the girl who has to impress me in the future.






Can he stop sleeping?  Yes.. only to eat though.

Let me just say first that I really like his doctor.. as baby doctors are so hard to find.  Our entire birth experience, I should mention, included a huge cast of medical staff because of shift changes etc. so I literally met the doctor who delivered Gabriel about 20 mins beforehand.  You can just imagine the hours of hilarious "monty python-ness" that was literally *insert me in various compromising situations* uh HI my name is so-and-so.. *looks up from contraction and/or puke bowl* oh yes I'm Ann, very nice to meet you.  let's not meet like this again, shall we?


So this doctor I took Gabriel to for his after care I met in the hospital during the rounds on my one day stay (do not recommend being stubborn like me and demanding to go home after one day.. day two was not nice to me) and she was concerned when I said I wasn't happy with the family doctor I had and didn't trust him more than Google.   I have so many worse things to say about the ER experience I just had yesterday but we'll reserve that for another time.. or never.. since I have nothing nice to say.

Anyways.. so back to my original thought.  So I take him for his appointment and the doctor is listening to me and suddenly declares that I look really great, and rested.  I'm all, dude, you have no idea how tired I am today actually.. I only had half a coffee!  Actually what I really said was "REALLY???" because I was that dumbfounded someone would think I looked like anything other than a 12 year old whose parents went out of town and left them alone in the house for the first time and therefore has been playing video games for 72 hours straight.  No but really, the other night I fell asleep feeding Gabe and actually will admit to the internets, and therefore the WORLD that I dropped the bottle on his head.  I do not know how or why I was holding the bottle above him (he's fine) but there you go.  I flat out fell asleep mid motion.  People, cherish your sleep.  Those sweet delicious consecutive sleep hours.  Hug your sleep every once in a while and tell it how much you love it because you never know when it will be gone.  I miss its warmness.

What I miss more right now is being cyst-less.. it's stolen the last two days from me and the ability to fully enjoy a Mr. Maker craft birthday party for my wonderful super SILLY newly 4 year old bubbs-a-bees.





I think he had tonnes of fun anyway, Sean did a great job.  He got the sweetest candy apple red trike ever.. so hopefully I will be here to see him ride it tomorrow (his actual birthday) and not be stuck in the ER again.  And maybe take him to a "big theater movie" like I wanted to, if I'm real real lucky.  Oh, cyst.. look at that sweet face, how could you???!

Saturday, January 9

A girl walks into a girl at a coffee place

I don't know if anyone else has found the Second Cup in Home Depot to be annoying to navigate.  On a scale from 1 to mind numbingly dumb, the person who designed it gets a 4000.  Why does my scale not make any sense?  Because the fucker who decided to essentially have you order coffee in a closet space and put ALL the cup lids/cream/sugar 9 feet away is totally responsible for some girl bumping into me as I picked up my two drinks and made sure I spilled incredibly hot coffee it all over my hand. 

I mean how smart do you have to be to make sure you have a lids on hand before you give someone a coffee to walk around with?  No no... let's put them... over there

You'd clearly assume I was upset at the time but in reality it was fine.  It was just an accident.  Things that may have contributed to my upbeat attitude:
  1. the girl stopped and asked if I was ok and it also wasn't as if she had thrown her coffee on me
  2. the barista guy gave me a cup of ice for my hand
  3. last night we watched an hour long show about a girl who had sulfuric acid thrown in her face by some psycho
  4. having a baby, a catheter, stitches and an epidural needle all at the same time is still fairly fresh in my mind
  5. lastly i don't even want to go into it but if you've ever ran too much and had your shirt chafe your nipple into oblivion... let's say i might as well be wearing a sandpaper fitted tee right now

So you see why I'm really not upset about burning myself on hot coffee. In fact, I almost enjoyed it!  On the other hand losing at Wii tennis makes me curse like nobody's business.  I am a complex snowflake.  It's charming I promise.

Wednesday, January 6

Oh. Dear.

I was browsing holiday pics my friend Andrea, who now lives in Calgary for those at home not familiar, and her Christmas tree was hilarious. First of all her boyfriend specifically picked it out and cut it down so no, it's not a fake tree. Second, I'll remind you it's Calgary and not Bermuda so I assume there is an abundance of trees to choose from. Third, the top of the tree (not pictured here) was a carboard cut out of Chef Tony Angel. That's just funny right there.

And finally, it's so obviously the Charlie Brown tree.



However, I don't know what's funnier.. intentionally cutting down a Charlie Brown tree for Christmas or not knowing you have a Christmas Charlie Brown tree until everybody refers to it as that. They apparently fall into the latter lol. I just had to share it. I mean seriously, the lights are meatier than the tree! The only thing I can imagine that is actually keeping that tree upright is the holy spirit.


Also, the new year's first edition of things that look like other things.


Steve Jobs circa 1980s

Stand up comic Demitri Martin






Let's see that again..
Steve Jobs in the 1980s









vs.

Monday, January 4

Coffee Sweetner


Baby gabe, originally uploaded by anna potatoes.

I thought I could blog share a picture of my little peepers in case anyone could use a little sugar in their day. Here it is in baby form.

I love him so much I can't even stand it, it's too much! His little blinky eyes, lips and cheeks are unbearable!

We're all doing well.. will blog as soon as he stops being so CUTE. Aka never.

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