Tuesday, March 5

My money smells like Tequila

Every good old fashioned Bachelorette Party includes three things:

  1. so much colourful liquor
  2. completely inappropriate behaviour
  3. stories you can't tell anyone later

The girls had a nice send-off for my cousin this past weekend which included all three things.  I'll just say it was less of a "take a last look at freedom" and more of a scared straight into marriage program.  It was an unforgettable night and a hell of a lot of fun.  This would be a boring post if there wasn't at least one story that I can tell, and I am pretty sure you haven't heard it before.

We had to park extremely far away from this club we were going to, don't ask why, and before we even get in my cousin Anna starts having an asthma attack.  It's -8 C (or 18 F for you non-imperialists) outside by the way, and it's a bitter biting cold. She takes 5 minutes to breathe, scaring the crap out of us in the process but insists maybe it's the cold air and that she will be totally fine; of course that's not what happens.  We get into the club and it's wall to wall people and enough smoke machines for 8 rap videos.  Obviously soon after she starts having larger asthma attack! and I had just checked our jackets and gotten a drink when I find out.  

I'll just interrupt for a moment so you will understand one key thing about this story: I never wear heels unless I absolutely have to.  Ever.  My own wedding?  Fancy flats.  Maybe because I am not very short, I have no idea, I just refuse to do almost anything that isn't the most comfortable choice.  So while I was wearing a nice outfit, my awesome jeans VS my mom jeans that always have a Lego man, gas receipt or Bakugan cards in the pockets, I still had some black Roxy flats on that I purchased about 9 years ago and I will continue to do this every single time I am not required to wear heels.  They are already worn in why even buy another pair??  I had to actually give up my flats to the bride-to-be on the way home because she couldn't walk anymore and exchange for her heels.  How in the world was she wearing them for more than 10 minutes, I don't know!  I felt like a baby giraffe.  She might be the real hero of the night but let's continue with the story.

So, being the only person with sensible shoes/can run, I quickly ask the coat check girl if I can have my jacket for a second because I need to go get someone's puffer.  She tells me, no joke, that I will need to pay for coat check again if I take it.  That piece of BS doesn't stand with me, so I tell her to keep it, I down my drink and run out the door with freaking mardi-gras beads on in negative 8 weather.  Don't worry we'd already been drinking at the party before getting here so I had the alcohol to help me stay warm.  I just love that paying twice wasn't even an option to me for some reason.   On the way there and back I legit ran past two chicks dressed appropriately going for a real run who looked super puzzled and gave me a smiling nod.  Like, are you running from a rapist or you just really felt like getting some exercise in before you go clubbing?  Either way I suppose they approved.

Post-run photo with my cousin Carolanne, and also only photo on my phone 

When I got back (she was fine) Carolanne makes what I thought was the funniest statement ever said during a Bachelorette party .. "wow thank god you're a runner!"   Oh yes, of course it comes in handy at all occasions and emergencies.  Need me to get you some candles for that Penis cake real fast?  I won't even take my car.  BRB.

Anyway the other stories from the night are funnier and of course much more inappropriate, but I will say we re-named the club we were at from Dirty Martini to Aggressive Martini by the time we left.  No idea if that's what going out is like now, but we spent the whole night trying to dance, not get lost and pull guys off of each other.  Just try and imagine Indiana Jones in that pit of snakes.. or a bunch of velociraptors hunting in the wild trying to pick one of us off at a time and separate us from the group;  I mean the smoke machine's really helped up their game.  I will say one nice thing was some guy who helped me order at the bar and paid for our drinks and then said hey thanks for talking to me and left us alone!  He was clearly DD for the velociraptors, or didn't belong there.  Great night otherwise but we sure did scare the hell out of her to ever think being single would be fun again.  Mission.. accomplished????  


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